Gaia: Humanity’s Just Not That Into You

Gaia, you are an amazing planet.  You’re one of a kind, the only celestial body in the known solar system blessed with luscious fauna, endless seas of liquid water, and (arguably your best asset) just the perfect atmosphere to support a ravishing variety of carbon-based creatures. 

You may be the third rock from the sun, but, girl, you are first in my orbital alignment.


That’s why I can no longer stand by in silence and let you destroy yourself.  You’re not the planet you used to be.  Ever since you started going out with humanity you just haven’t been yourself.  There are holes developing in your ozone, pollutants clogging up your oceans, desertification in your rain forests.  He’s even convinced you to have “a little work done” as if you were not enough from cosmic conception.  Don’t think I didn’t notice those freeways crisscrossing your topsoil or the skyscrapers sprouting out of your grounds.  Natural geographical features my ass.  You’ve changed, and not for the better.

I know every lady-planet yearns for the tender touch of a cognizant intelligent species, the gentle caress of living things as they massage every nook and cranny of your continents.  But is that what you’re really getting?  Heck no.  You’re shacking up with an immature biped hominid who can’t even take care of himself.  Seriously, Gaia, you could do way better than this loser.  Survival of the fittest is more like nursing of the neediest.  Humanity’s just an opportunistic moocher.  The house he lives in?  You gave him.  The clothes he’s wearing?  You gave him.  The car he’s driving?  You gave him.  Remember back at Galactic U when we’d belt out “Independent Woman”?  What happened to “always 50/50 in relationships.”  This is like 100/0.


What has this guy ever done for you?  Oh right, he had that incident in the gulf of Mexico.  “Honey, it wasn’t my fault!  How was I to know drilling in deep water under high pressure with an untested blowout-preventer was a bad idea?”  Or, how about the way he’s always melting your ice caps.  “Gee dear, so it’s getting a little hotter, what’s the big deal?  Sea level rises, no biggie.”  And don’t tell me you’ve forgotten that he killed your favorite pet, because I haven’t.  Oh sure, he says it was an accident, that he didn’t know your beloved Dodo would die so easily when domesticated animals were introduced into an isolated island ecosystem.  But was it really an accident?  No.  You want to know the truth?  He just didn’t care about your precious Dodo.  Or you.  You know what kind of monster lets an adorable, fugly, giant pigeon-dove mutant bird go extinct?  Humanity.  And you’re letting him walk all over you.

Gaia, mother Earth, goddess of nature, you are too precious to be squandered on this scrub.  If he really cared, he would protect your biological balances and at least put in rapid mass transit systems in large urbanized areas.  Wake up Gaia, you’re wasting your life-sustaining abilities.  Sad to say, humanity’s just not that into you.  In his eyes, you’re no more than a petroleum booty-call.


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About the author

Katie Celia is a writer and indie filmmaker with a passion for crazy schemes and pastries. When not writing for Comediva she’s most likely working with her husband on their feature-length documentary about contemporary pole dancing or conning said husband into coming with her on a quest for a chocolate croissant. Luckily, they live two blocks away from a bakery and are usually victorious in their search for brain food nom noms.

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