If your roommates — and the guy from last night who’s currently scurrying out the back door — think you’re some über-cool, vegan hipster-chick who rides a fixie to work, and only wears organic cotton tee shirts with no bra, they’re gonna know it’s all a lie based on what box of cereal you’re picking out RIGHT NOW.
Kashi Go Lean Crunch
This one seems like a no-brainer, right? You’re a hipster, you want to be healthy, so you picked out the healthiest cereal at the market. WRONG. Any Kashi brand product means you’re a wannabe hipster who can’t commit to full Hipsterhood, so you compromise by picking the most hipster-looking cereal. If you want to be a real hipster, you shouldn’t be going to the mainstream supermarket to buy anything; you need to be making your own cereal from wheat and oats grown organically in your garden — that’s growing in large pots because it’s not like you actually own any property.
Cookie Crisp
You’re an adult who’s succumbed to your inner-child. Most of the time, this is to be applauded. However, you need to beware of this “child” because, like all children, they’re growing up, and that means there’s a little person inside who’ll eventually EAT YOU WHOLE. And during this lovely time when you feed that inner-child with all of their desires -– Kraft mac n cheese, ice cream everyday, and the occasional worm to show off to all the other inner-children in the ‘hood -– you’re slowly killing adult-you. So you can treat that inner-child to Cookie Crisp every once in a while, but you better teach that kid the meaning of the word ‘NO,’ or else someone’s going to the timeout corner!
Cinammon Toast Crunch
Unlike Cookie Crisp, which indicates a hostile takeover of your innards, this cereal simply means you did not, in fact, “grow up.” You are actually a 10-year-old stuck in a 32-year-old’s body. You never developed a taste for things like mussels, wine, or lentils because all of your taste-buds are still devoted to sugar, and there’s no room for anything else. The good news: you’ll never get addicted to drugs — unless someone puts them in your cereal.
Special K
You are an intelligent, health-conscious person who is so boring I can’t stand to write the rest of this description because it’s putting me to sleep. Please, go do something illegal. RIGHT NOW.
Cheerios
You are actually a 3-year-old being fed by your parents; the highlight of your day consists of throwing these magical “rings” around and laughing maniacally as your poor mother picks them up while cursing you. You can’t read or understand this article, so I will simply say, “Goo-goo ga-ga! Weeeeeeeee!”
Frosted Mini Wheats
(My personal favorite!) You’re an alien who’s secretly invaded the planet using this cereal. The mini wheats are actually your spaceships, through which you’ve been transporting your population to Earth, and one day the mini wheats battalion will RISE UP–
–Uh oh, I think I just let the cat out of the bag. Blarg45, our fearless leader, Red Alert Red Alert, they’re onto us…..
The moral of the story: just make sure you know what you’re doing the next time you decide to buy breakfast cereal.
