Yearly, I protest this shameful American-Irish parade of public drunkenness that champions outmoded ideals of an oppressive, misogynist society. Soy ciudadana del mundo, and as a citizen of the world, I honor my Irish brothers and sisters who are humiliated by the cartoonish portrayal of their red-haired ancestors, reduced to a capitalist abomination of a midget lusting after gold and teeth-rotting sugar cereal. On hunger strike, I honor the true story of Ireland, a story of potato famine, persecution and tragedy; a story of struggle and division. I lock myself in my apartment, not daring to emerge until the Shamrock Shake is safely vanquished from the menu of McDonald’s.
This year, I challenge you, America, to join me. Eschew the siren song of salty meats and overindulgence and see this day for what it truly is. You celebrate St. Patrick, an icon of cultural terrorism who not only forced his ideals of Catholicism onto the unwilling, but ousted the quiet, spiritual Druids from their homeland. Why, year after year, century after century, do we celebrate the oppressor and trample upon the peaceful indigenous folk, raping them of their land and beliefs? Los druidas eran una gente pacifista, they just wanted to commune with the spirits of their land, carrying on the beautiful tradition of their ancient Celtic belief, but NO, in comes St. Patrick, and out he drives them, like they are some kind of rotten snake! And what is this hatred of snakes? Why must they forever be relegated to a status of shame, connected with evil? I suppose you are to tell me this is because of the Garden of Eden, which also proves we women are to blame for the world’s problems? I reject this false myth of oppression, and I embrace the serpents of the world as a woman in solidarity! Somos todos sagrados, snakes and man alike. You hate a snake? You hate ME. I banish YOU, St. Patrick.
This St. Patrick’s Day, rise up against the oppressor! Reject the green of money and avarice, instead wear the red of rebellion! Throw down your whiskey flask and throw your fist into the sky! Drink deeply from the wellspring of the Earth’s knowledge to clear from your eyes the clouds of ignorance. While others become bloated with drink, you, my sisters, will be clear of mind and filled with power. You will not kiss because you are Irish, you will kiss because you are FREE!
Besides, Cinco de Mayo is around the corner, and clearly that is the right time to be publically intoxicated.