Mira, I’m all for stopping terrorists, but The Patriot Act is clearly a violation of our privacy rights, gente! We need to let congreso know that we want them to stop eavesdropping on our sexting sessions with our long-distance Chilean boyfriends by boycotting all mass communication!
Boycott:
– Texting or talking on the phone
– The Internet
– Sending letters or packages through the postal service
– Telegrams
– Morse code
– Sending messages via homing pigeon
– Using two cans and a string
– Speaking with your tias [aunts]. (Your tias have been violating your privacy rights for years by spreading chisme about you –somone’s gotta stand up to them.)
2. Millionaires
Why: According to The Wall Street Journal, millionaires — who represent .09 percent of the world population — now control 39 percent of the world’s wealth.
Hijos de la chingada!
No wonder the gap between rich and poor is so wide! No wonder I can never afford a pinche golden toilet! (I just want my nalgas to get the same treatment the Queen of England does, is that so wrong?)
Boycott:
The crazy shit that only millionaires do, like:
– Being the CEO of the most popular social network and slicing the throat of every goat you eat.
– Having a talk show named after you, then starting a magazine named after you, too — and having a picture of you on the cover of every single new edition. Then, walking away from your talk show after 25 years, only to buy your own network — and then naming that network after you, too. Then, having a show on your new network about the show you used to have on your old network except this new show goes “behind the scenes” of your old show — and then naming this second show after you, too.
– Wearing a costume, fighting crime at night, and calling yourself “The Batman.”
– Diving into a large, Olympic-style pool of gold coins.
3. Humanity
Why: According to Time Magazine, Humans rank No. 2 on the list of The Top 10 Evil Animals of all time. The magazine cites war crimes, genocide, and concentration camps as evidence proving that human beings are evil.
I wasn’t convinced of Humanity’s evilness until I heard someone died from that “planking” internet craze.
Wow, humanidad, your shocking estupidezes are taking people’s lives. This has forced me to put you on my own “most” evil list.
Boycott:
– The park, your local Starbucks, work, the gym — anywhere you might encounter humans.
– If you must be in contact with another human make sure to quickly punch him or her in the face and shout: “That’s for inventing genocide, cabron!“
Then run away.
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