This week, Jose “Sounds Mexican But He’s Really Filipino” Vargas came out as an undocumented immigrant. Vargas, si no lo sabias, is a Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist whose “coming out” as an undocumented has shocked millions of gringos. Los gringos, upon hearing the news, immediately took their newspapers out to their front lawns and confronted their jardineros [gardeners], asking if Paul Krugman’s recent article on the U.S. Economy was ghostwritten by one of them.
Vargas’ moving story made me realize that we have to do MORE para los immigrantes suffering in secrecy in this country — like boycotting all legal documents entirely!
– your passport
– your drivers license
– your social security card
– your student I.D.
– your birth certificate
– that cute, chiquitito pamphlet with your baby feet prints on it that your Mamá keeps in her dresser drawer.
– all “certificates of authenticity” for Cabbage Patch Kids you collected as a niñita.
2. Driving Your Car
Disney recently revealed that Cars 2 sends the mensaje that Big Oil is evil and that alternative energy is the way to go for the futuro.
Muchisimas gracias, Disney. You still need to make it up to me by removing that racist parrot from The Enchanted Tiki Room animatronics show at Disneyland, pero, por lo pronto, I’m gonna forgive all past transgressions and help you spread your eco-friendly message.
Driving your car.
Instead, use the following, eco-friendly, transportation metodos:
– 1970s roller skates
– Man-powered scooters
– Your legs
– Horse-drawn carriages
3. Your Doctor
According to a recent article from The Atlantic Monthly, New-Age medicina (like acupuncture, meditation, and Reiki) has proven to be successful in healing patients — despite los criticos arguing that New-Age medicine is bogus and a waste of dinero. Gente, I’ve always said that Western medicina oppressed and delegitimized indigenous healing practices, so to encourage more American doctores to take non-traditional medicine more seriously, I suggest we boycott all doctors!
– Your doctor.
Instead, use the following ancient Mexican remedias that my abuelita recommends:
– To cure mal de ojo [evil eye]: Pray the rosario while moving an egg over the eye. Then crack egg, scramble it, and throw in skillet. Mix egg with chorizo. Add spices. Allow up to 10 to 15 minutes cooking time. Finally, serve with a red wine of your choice.
– To cure a stomach ache: Drink 7-Up
– To cure a migraine headache: Get a candle of St. Aime Duele LaCabeza from your local curandera woman. Let candle burn for dias on end in the most inconvenient places, like your bathroom sink.
– To cure a cold: Rub an ancient Mexican ointment called “Veeks Vapo’Rroobe” on your chest.
– To cure a lack of appetite: Apply twice the amount of lard to pan when cooking almuerzo.