So, how do we navigate these awkward waters? Facebook and the rest of the Interwebs have eliminated all secrecy, surprise, and the need to even utter the words “So what have you been up to?” You’ve been cyberstalked since the day the reunion invites were sent out.
Plus, you know there will be social media fallout the second the event begins, what with the ubiquitous presence of smartphones.
Well, we devised a foolproof way to beat the e-system. Not only will you walk into your old gymnasium or fancy rehearsal dinner venue way ahead of the game, you’ll avoid drunk face in all of those Facebook wall photos! Win-win.
Just follow this incredibly complicated social media attack-and-survival plan!
A) Add unmistakable mystique by updating your Facebook profile to a picture of the Cat’s Eye Nebula. Maybe you’re really into astronomy now.
B) Change your relationship status (no matter if you are single, married, or in the priesthood) to “It’s Complicated.” Now you’re a complicated astronomer, a far cry from the nerd who edited the school newspaper.
C) Tweet out a bunch of Oscar Wilde quotes. Oscar Wilde was great at parties. Now you’re a complicated astronomer with a wicked wit. Score.
D) Adopt a rescue alpaca and Instagram the shit out of that thing. You’re so complicated and green. I bet you compost, too.
E) Post pictures linking to your compost formulas on Pinterest. No one ever guessed you were so complicated, green, and into doing your part to save the world. You so should have been prom queen.
F) Invite a female friend as your plus one. Oh, so THAT’S why it’s complicated. Did this new flame got you into astronomy?
G) For several weeks ahead of the event, only listen to Deadmau5 on Spotify. Wow, you’re edgy, too. Maybe marching band WAS cool!
H) Check in at Petco on Foursquare. Include a comment like “Getting alpaca treats for Luhrmann! I’ll miss him when I’m out of town!” Luhrmann? So, it’s true: Baz Lurhmann gave you that alpaca as a gift for your consulting help on Gatsby? Hey, is your date that chick from Moulin Rouge? You have some killer connections. Let’s vote you “Most Likely to Succeed” after all.
I) When you arrive at your reunion, make it a point to ignore all the delicious cocktails. Keep referencing inner peace as you turn away potential suitors offering you drinky-drinks. Are you pregnant…or in some kind of teetotaling, alpaca-worshipping cult? Dangerous!
J) Actually, come to think of it, don’t give a shit. High school is approximately 95 percent irrelevant now. Just be you. Plus, alpacas are super high maintenance. Dang, you ARE cool!
