1. Cut the electric bill in half during the winter! Cats are nature’s space heaters.
2. Knit a fetching muumuu from excess dog fur and sell it on Etsy.3. Learn the busker’s art of ferret juggling. 4. Recognize your goldfish’s star quality. Record his every action, time lapse it, and add in deeply disturbing voiceover. Call the final cut Paranormal Fishtivity. You’ll soon be at the helm of a wildly popular horror franchise.
5. Make potent organic fertilizer from kitty poo and hock it to enthusiastic composters at the farmers’ market.
6. Convince the neighborhood Twihards that your dog was an extra in Taylor Lautner’s “big werewolf scene” in Breaking Dawn. “It’s worth five bucks to touch him!”
7. Run the classic “Teacup Pig Hornswoggle” a.k.a. “The Ultimate Pork Con.” First, your trained pet pig pinches pearls and pinky rings from well-heeled elderly country clubbers. Then, you return them to their rightful owners … and accept a reward.
8. If you can convince people that your rabbit is actually an Esquilax, he’ll be a hit on the Renaissance Faire circuit.
9. Rent your parrot to shy guys to use as chick-bait at the park.
10. Got a pet monkey? Lucky you! Set your monkey down at your computer armed with 140 caffeine-infused bananas (ten bananas per line). Turn on Pandora’s “Lute and Zither” station. If the math is correct, he’ll crank out a Shakespearean sonnet in no time. At the very least, your primate wordsmith will produce a delightful haiku to distract you from your financial doldrums.
11. Record your cat’s meows, purrs, and hisses. Mix the feline sounds on your computer creating an orchestral meowsterpiece. Record labels will rush to sign your one-man-kitty-band.
12. Is your closet boring? No cash for couture? Put your boa constrictor to work. He’s a scarf one day, a belt the next. Feeling ritzy? Stick a feather in his mouth and you’re set for a night on the town.
13. Can’t replace your broken TV because you spent your last dollar on a salt lick for your spoiled gerbils? Bummed about missing the latest episode of Glee? No matter! Watch Gleebil instead! Put your gerbil cage on the TV stand and grab the popcorn. Rascal and Fluffy are the new Rachel and Finn.
14. Hook up your hamster’s wheel to a battery. Instant green energy!
15. Cuddle your critters. Cuddling is priceless.