Evelyn Salt’s Guide to Etiquette

Laser focused, ruthless CIA agents like Evelyn Salt spend countless hours learning how to crack codes, operate state of the art firearms, create last-minute bombs out of table legs, leap across speeding semis, and speak esoteric languages. What sets agents like Salt apart, besides the unbelievable strength of her toothpick arms, is her dedication to the fine art of American Southern etiquette.

Some believe Salt to be a Russian spy. If that’s true, why does she know (and care) exactly how a Southern debutante should bow and which type of crystal to use during a baby’s Baptism party? While saving the universe and plotting her revenge, Salt takes the time to teach others how to act like a lady. Let’s see how she serves her guests and behaves when not aiming an Uzi.

1. Don’t Be a Hateful Hannah

This is a golden rule for Evelyn. “Always do unto others as you would have them do unto you,” she says. “Be sweet and kind, go out of your way to make people smile — unless they destroyed your childhood or waterboarded your one true love. Then you can blow their torso apart with a handmade grenade or string them up from a chandelier with chicken wire.” Wise words, Evelyn!

2. Always Serve From the Left

Salt loves hosting kitschy but elegant dinner parties at the safe house. “Retro 50s Milkshake Night” and “1970s Fondue Soiree” are some of her adorable ideas. Revenge makes her extremely hungry, and since she only consumes food when a job is finished (hence the toothpick arms), these parties are important. “Serve your guests from the left, unless you’ve just gotten an encrypted signal from Langley cleverly disguised as a night heron and find out the guest is Vladimir — the man who enslaved orphans and killed your parents. Then, serve from whichever side is more conducive to severing his head with the Christofle butter knife.” Great tip, Evelyn!

3. Don’t Walk and Drink

 This is a biggie. Evelyn’s one dream was to be in a sorority, and she never got to do that because of her horrific childhood and CIA training. No Bros & Hoes parties for her. Still, she likes to incorporate some sacred Southern sorority rituals just for fun. “It’s very uncouth to drink alcohol and walk at the same time,” she says. “If you’re getting trashed, just sit still while you take the shot and then move.” Stealth. “It really irks me when I’m pretending to be a Mongolian prostitute to entrap a terrorist and I have to be ‘in character’ and walk around with vodka. So unbecoming.” We feel you, Ev.

4. Don’t Be a Trash Mouth

Ev’s blood pressure is often provoked, as you’d imagine, but she has learned to actually control her heart rate and blood flow using top-secret CIA techniques plus yoga. Sometimes though, a girl just wants to call someone a “mo%&*^f&ck*a^hHG^^*FI*&dou%” right? “Don’t cuss,” she opines. “Even when engaging in Mui Tai to the death with a warlord, just say ‘shoot’ or ‘darn you!'” Unless this opponent is Vladimir who ruined your childhood. “Then you can call him a mo%&*^f&ck*a^hHG^^*FI*&dou%. That’s acceptable,” she says. Amen, Ev!


For more BAMF goodness, check out Upcoming Heroines: The Social Justice League!  


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About the author

Dina Gachman's blog Bureaucracy for Breakfast has been featured on NPR, Huffington Post, and Chelsea Handler's Borderline Amazing Comedy. She's written for Forbes, Stylist, LA Review of Books, Splitsider, Ask Men, and Hello Giggles. She's also written comic books about Elizabeth Taylor and Marilyn Monroe. Find her on Twitter: @TheElf26

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