Epic Douchebags of History

We’ve all come across d-bags in our time. The modern incarnation usually involves a popped collar, Ed Hardy, and someone being called “broseph”. But d-bags have been plaguing the world since the dawn of humanity. Imagine having to put up with these people in the breakroom:

The Cro-Magnon Man Who Invented Fire:

Sure, it totally advanced civilization and enabled early mankind to attain warmth, light, and a means to cook meat, but you’ll never hear the end of it.  Everyone loves ‘Smores, but it gets pretty old when every time you make them you also have to hear, “How ’bout ‘smore-a deez NUTS!!!?”  Please.  The dude who made the wheel is way more chill about it.

Oscar Wilde:


Okay, you wrote a fun play, and you’re super good at wordplay.  We get it.  But how friggin’ annoying does this guy get at parties?  Enough with the witticisms already, Oscar!  Jerry was about to tell us that funny story about his cat and you had to come up with something clever about “pussies.”  Give it a rest.

Louis XIV:

Clear signs of douchebaggery:  
1.) It takes hours for you to get dressed before you go out, due to your elaborate preening ritual.
2.) You make everyone call you the Sun King. 
3.) You have a WHOLE HALL OF MIRRORS.  Seriously, dude?


He was a vegetarian and did watercolors. What a d-bag!

Bernie Madoff:


Reigning supreme over the preppy modern douchebag, he took advantage of his friends, exploited their trust and lost their life savings in his Ponzi scheme, all so he could live large with his douchey Hamptons mansion and NY penthouse.  (We can add to this category all the Wall Street a-holes and bankers responsible for the recession. Way to spoil the party with your subprime loan party foul, bros. Nobody likes you!)


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