In an effort to help parents to keep up with the 21st Century, and The Internet, here’s the list of Rainbow Brite signals you can look out for to be better prepared.
My Fair Lady Obsession
According to my mother, every day was Audrey Hepburn Day when I was 5. Was it for the sweet, sultry sounds of her voice? Nope. Was it because her rendition of Eliza Doolittle was one of the funniest things I’d ever seen? Nope. Apparently, it was because “She’s just so pretty, mommy. Look. Look at her. She’s so. Pretty.”
Interest In Carpentry
As we all know, we lesbians like to do things with our hands. If your child, too, convinces her kindergarten BFF to steal lumber from a nearby construction site with which to build a fort, you might just be raising one.
That is, always insisting to play House, and always insisting to be the Daddy when doing so.
Early-Onset Drag Kingness
If the happiest you’ve ever seen your daughter is when you finally gave her permission to swim topless like a boy in your backyard pool [which was protected by a 10 ft. wall], or whenever Halloween rolls around and she can’t wait to don her dad’s duds, all the way down to the boxers, take note.
Test 1 [Age is irrelevant]: Play Life. When your daughter gets to the Marriage square, does she accept the little blue person you offer, or does she demand another pink one because “THIS IS THE 21ST CENTURY. SINCE WHEN DOES EVERYONE HAVE TO GET MARRIED? CAN’T I JUST SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH MY…BEST FRIEND?”
Test 2 [Better when she’s between the ages of 5 and 7]: Call one of her girl friends chubby. Does she nod in assent, or does she respond with, “SHE IS SO BEAUTIFUL. SHE’S THE FUNNIEST, NICEST PERSON I KNOW. AND I LOVE HER FOR EXACTLY WHO SHE IS”?
Fear of Locker Rooms
If your daughter’s an athlete, take note of her post-practice behavior. Does she just throw her parka on over her swimsuit and anxiously run through the locker room, instead of shower and change in plain sight like the other kids? Does the prospect of any same-gender physical contact bring about a Michael Cera-esque shoe-gaze?
Old Wives’ Tales
You know the ones: the ones that say this belly position means it’s a boy, or that craving means it’s a girl… If everything, including your traditional Korean parents, suggests the kid’s a boy, but she pops out a girl, prepare yourself like my mom did: “OH NO. SHE GONNA HAVE GENDER ISSUES.”
And those suspicions from above are confirmed when her third grade teacher calls you in to let you know she’s pretty sure your kid’s a lez.
They Say, “I’m gay.”
Ah, the coup de grâce. Really, this is the only one that matters, friends. All of the above’s pretty irrelevant in this day and age, when slightly butch-yet-straight badasses like Katniss Everdeen are hitting the screens in big ways.