Dudes You Don’t Want to Hit on You


Magician:  Is it ever not mortifying when a smoothie magician cruises you?  “Pick a card” is fun when you’re seven, but magic tricks as pick-up lines are gross.  (“What’s this behind your ear?  Aha!  A condom!”)  It’s even worse if he’s one of the modern, Criss Angel Mindfreak types, wearing guyliner and staring at you all intense like he’s gonna make your panties disappear.  Likely … via me walking away from you, still in them.

Exception:  A friend of mine dated a young, cute magician.  He didn’t use his tricks to get in her pants, but wowed her with his performance, which she found super hot.  Talent is always sexy.


Gynecologist:  Many a Jewish mother would just die for her daughter to date a doctor, but getting hit on by an OB/GYN is inherently creepy … especially while in stirrups.  The awkwardness factor increases with proximity to actual pelvic exam — for example, if he asks you out to coffee while in the grocery store, it’s less weird than if he’d just snipped a piece of your cervix for a biopsy.

Exception:  If he isn’t your gyno, he could be a catch.  He’s sensitive to your “special” issues, and knows his way around the plumbing.


Traffic Cop:
 Nothing quite beats the devastating feeling of seeing flashing lights in your rearview mirror and knowing you’re about to get some points on your license … that is, until the cop hands you the ticket with a wry wink.  Then you feel both depressed and weirded out.  If he does so before writing you up, you’re stuck with the dilemma of whether or not you play along and hope he’ll give you a lesser ticket … but isn’t that prostitution?  Gah!

Exception:  Once, the dreamiest cop pulled me over for a Fix-It ticket.  He coulda written me up for anything, so long as I could stare into those cerulean eyes….


Fat Dude Who Towed Your Car:  Even worse than getting a moving violation is the horror of discovering that the packed car you not-so-prudently parked in the University Store’s parking lot has been towed.  Eyes red with tears of frustration and the ache of 200 bucks lost to dumbassery, you sit in the driver’s seat, emotionally exhausted, only to have insult added to injury when the man who towed your Honda comes to your window to “ask you out to dinner” while leering at your thighs, which are overly exposed due to your running shorts.

Exception:  There is no exception to this rule.  Bitch towed my car.



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