Dream Celebrity Sponsorships

Bret Michaels, as in the lead singer of Poison and star of awesome reality show Rock of Love, has done what many are calling the boldest move of the century and/or the weirdest and most inexplicable move of the century: he’s teamed up with PetSmart.

The pet supply corporation and the (we won’t say washed up, but everyone’s thinking it) rock star have unified for their new line called Pets Rock. It’s not totally out of left field — Michaels has two German Shepherds — but it’s pretty far out there. Here are some celebrity/corporation pairs that are bound to be equally successful.

Hawaiian Punch / Keanu Reeves

Okay technically Reeves was born in Beirut, Lebanon, and moved frequently as a child, never actually residing in Hawaii. But that doesn’t change the facts that 1. Keanu means “drop-kick” in Hawaiian and 2. Reeves is pretty famous for a role in which he did his fair share of punching. If he were to team up with Hawaiina Punch, their new line could be “False Reality Explosion!” which combines the sweet flavors of strawberry and kiwi with the bitter knowledge that your entire existence is contrived.

La-Z-Boy / Rush Limbaugh

Let’s be honest, if Rush Limbaugh were a furniture line, he would be La-Z-Boy. Their name really combines everything Rush stands for: laziness and all of its connotations with irritating perversions of perfectly normal and accepted things (for example: spelling the words “lazy” and “boy” as a normal human would, women using birth control). Rush’s brand could be called “The Decline of America,” and exclusively feature fainting couches for moments of uncontrollable outrage. 

American Apparel / Stephen Colbert

Stephen Colbert has never made his love of America a secret. In fact, he basically hates all things not-American. That’s why this fashion company who produces everything in the good old US of A and the late night pundit would be a perfect team. Sure, American Apparel’s CEO is technically Canadian, but Colbert would compensate with his line of American flag-themed sweaters, pants, and bodysuits called “Liberty Livery.”

Budweiser / Ann Romney

As a Mormon, Ann Romney does not drink alcohol which on the surface would make this seem like a terrible partnership. But for some wild reason Ann (and her husband) are struggling to portray themselves as regular old Americans, even though they have American flags flying at all 18 of their houses! So here’s where this partnership comes in handy: Budweiser unveils a line of non-alcoholic beer called Bud Right that Ann and her large following can enjoy, and Ann finally looks like a first lady you could have a beer with at her dressage show.

Spalding / Donald Trump

A union between the Trumpinator and Spalding’s basketball division would be a match made in corporate heaven. First, both are worth tons of money and have been around since 1867. Also, both are kind of leathery and orange. His new line of basketballs called the Trumpsketball (because it isn’t Trump if his name’s not in it) would be gold-plated basketballs sold exclusively at Trump hotels. And, much like Trump, they would be silly, strange to look at, and absolutely, utterly pointless.

Pepsi / Gayle

If Oprah were Coke, her best friend Gayle would be Pepsi: she’s fabulous on her own, and some people prefer her, but there’s no denying that she’s second to her more famous friend. That’s why Gayle and Pepsi should introduce Pepsi Silver – the basic equivalent of Coke Zero, but of course, second best! Because there’s no shame in not taking the gold. 


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1 comment

  1. Inigo Montoya

    I think you’re dead on with the exception of Rush Limbaugh.

    We know based on his history that he’s a loyal Viagra user.

    As their corporate whore, at least he could get his Viagra for free

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