D*ck Contest: Easter Sugar Showdown

Men are great.  But you know what doesn’t stare at your breasts while talking to you?  Or pretend to be listening while every word you say goes in one ear and out the other?  Sugar.  Let’s face it, even though you may be a total nympho some days you’d rather just bury your face in a bowl of brownie batter than get-it-on.  Sex requires so much more energy than scarfing.
That’s why it’s sweet-tooth heaven this week on Dick Contest.  We’re looking at which candies are worth feigning a bout of PMS just so you have an excuse to eat them.  Spring is the best time of year to be a connoisseur of candy.  Sure, Halloween has sheer quantity, but Easter offers us sugar in cute, squee-worthy shapes.  Cuddly creatures and all their accessories are carefully crafted into edible forms for your oohing, awing and nom-noming pleasure.  Today, we put three classics head to head in a contest for your love and sweet devotion.



The Sweet
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Chocolate Bunny

peeps


Peep

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Cadbury Creme Egg

  Squee Factor   

Shaped liked a fluffy bunny. And this one doesn’t poop everywhere and chew on your smutty Twilight novels for shits and giggles when it’s bored.




The original is a squishy ball of chickness. The girlie colors also make them extra adorable (not a manly navy blue or army green to be seen).



The weakest contender in this category. However we at Comediva as members of the ovary-toting gender have a special place in our hearts for anything egg-shaped.

Nom-Nomness

Sweet, sweet chocolate. Like your first lover, it’s the one that introduced you to all sorts of pleasures like endorphins and caffeine. Always worth indulging.

Marshmallows covered in sugar. Perfection.

The egg white and yolk are molten sugar paste inside of chocolate. How can you not devour the love child of nougat and cocoa.

Best Eaten…

Alone. It’s creepy watching someone decide which piece of the bunny to gnaw on next.

Slightly toasted. Like any marshmallow product, you can put a stick up its ass and roast it over a fire.

All year round. If only they were made year round. Damn it.

Also Useful For…

Scaring small children into submission. Co-worker bring her annoying screaming rugrat in again? Bite off a chocolate bunny head and as crumbs dribble down your chin tell the little monster they’re next if they don’t behave.

Solving duels. Stick two peeps on a plate in the microwave, facing each other with toothpicks in their chests. Nuke the suckers and watch them puff up like balloons. First one to ‘pop’ their opponent wins.

Attracting Cadbury bunnies. You know you always wanted a clucking rabbit for a pet. Unlike regular bunnies, it won’t eat your still smutty Twilight books.

So much sugar, so little stomach to stash it all in! I hope the Easter bunny leaves me a million of each in my basket (psst, Mom, hint hint, wink wink).  Which treat gives you a sugar-gasm?  Cluck, chirp, and thump your vote in the comments below!


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About the author

Katie Celia is a writer and indie filmmaker with a passion for crazy schemes and pastries. When not writing for Comediva she's most likely working with her husband on their feature-length documentary about contemporary pole dancing or conning said husband into coming with her on a quest for a chocolate croissant. Luckily, they live two blocks away from a bakery and are usually victorious in their search for brain food nom noms. www.katiecelia.com

View all articles by Katie Celia

5 comments

  1. shezcrafti

    Since Cadbury Mini Eggs are not on the list, I suppose I’ll have to go with Creme Eggs. Chocolate bunnies are usually hollow and made with cheapass chocolate. Peeps, although cute, are just fancy but ultimately unsatisfying marshmallows. But one good Creme Egg will knock you on your ass.

  2. EC

    Mm, chocolate wins every time for me. But Cadbury eggs have chocolate and creamy deliciousness. So I think those clucking bunnies have it going on.

  3. ValleyGirl

    When I was younger, I was a HUGE fan of peeps. I would even buy the peeps they had for the other holidays, which, in hindsight, seems like overkill.

  4. Nikki!

    I was always a personal fan of the insanely large coconut filled, dark chocolate covered Mounds type egg. I don’t know if it was a New Jersey thing, but we had it every year at my Nana’s, and would stash it in the freezer and eat it in slices. For MONTHS.

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