Dick Contest: Best of the Beasts

Call it beauty and the beast syndrome, but today we are having a face-off of fantastical beings.  Fairies, monsters, hybrids, and everything in between are on our menu of sensual delights.  With thousands of years of myths, legends, and low-budget B-horror movies, we are certain there’s a brute that can satisfy everyone’s primal urges.
 

Myth, Legend,
Monster, etc.
Preferred Mating Ground Perfect Fit If You Are: Why It’s Good They Don’t Actually Exist 
Unicorn
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Mystical forests and Candy Mountain. A virgin or need a kidney Only lets virgins mount them, a total one-trick pony.
Godzilla
godzilla-a_288x288 
The isles of Japan. Fire-proof. Every time you have a fight, he hides out in his reptile-cave.
King Kong
kingkong 
First choice is nondescript tropical islands, but will settle for 100-story skyscrapers. A daredevil who loves heights. Total ham, will do anything for attention.  See: climb Empire State Building.
Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog
Killer_Rabbit_of_Caerbannog_by_DanidaeSkye 
Cave of Caerbannog (duh). A knight of the round table. One minute he’s sitting cutely amidst his antique bone collection, the next he’s gnawing your face off.  Run away!
Leprechaun
leprechaun_2 
The end of the rainbow. A gold-digger. Typical loner, he’s highly protective of his pot of gold.
Yeti aka Abominable Snowman
yeti-01
The Himalayas, Alps, Rockies, anywhere the air is thin and the temperature is just above freezing. Having hot flashes. Good luck getting him to smile in front of a camera.  You’ll never have a decent Christmas card again.
Prince Charming
prince-charming
Castles A maiden in distress who doesn’t mind someone as well groomed as you are. Cinderella, Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, his little black book is loaded with hot chicks.
Manbearpig
manbearpig1 
Cave of Winds Al Gore Half man, half bear, half pig, this creature makes Global Warming look like a geological boo-boo.  It is certainly the biggest threat to humanity.

Horns, claws, fangs, rabbit ears, manbearpig parts — who needs a boring old human?  There are limitless possibilities for carnal pleasures with imaginary beasts.  The soft feel of the Yeti’s thick white fur brushing against your skin, the snout of the manbearpig snorting snot onto your neck, Godzilla’s cold, scaly touch as he carries you into the sea, the wind in your face as you ride your unicorn to ecstasy.

What creature would you take a wild ride on?  Summon your inner Fay Wray and shout it out in the comments below!

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About the author

Katie Celia is a writer and indie filmmaker with a passion for crazy schemes and pastries. When not writing for Comediva she's most likely working with her husband on their feature-length documentary about contemporary pole dancing or conning said husband into coming with her on a quest for a chocolate croissant. Luckily, they live two blocks away from a bakery and are usually victorious in their search for brain food nom noms. www.katiecelia.com

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1 comment

  1. EC

    I’m really digging the chart and all, but on Comediva.com, there’s really no contest. Unicorns for the win, every time!

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