In a moment of pure stupidity and masochism, I boldly decided (and declared to everyone like an idiot) to go on a Juice Cleanse from Saturday through Monday. After extensive 10-minute research, I found one cleanse that relied on prune and unfiltered apple juice. I quickly decided this was the best (re: cheapest) cleanse out there and made plans with my roommate to buy the stuff the following morning and start our three-day long journey to health. All of this was decided at a Karaoke Bar/Bowling Alley at 1:00AM, much like the Geneva Convention.
The below is my account of the worst weekend of my life. Warning: do not try this at home unless you hate yourself.
Saturday, Day 1
11:00AM
Roommate bailed on the cleanse. I’m off to find the prune juice and apple juice that will compose my diet for the next three days. I’m excited!
11:23AM
This juice cost me $30 and I’m still going to have to buy food on Monday. My excitement is notably waning. Goddamn you, Whole Foods.
12:04PM
Downed my first GIANT glass of prune juice in a few massive gulps. I don’t recommend this, or prune juice in general — that shit is super thick and smells like old people.
4:07PM
Starting to get pretty hungry now. When I embarked on this journey of self-flagellation, I didn’t consider the regular vat of coffee I consume every morning. I’m going through some pretty intense caffeine withdrawal complete with the shakes and a massive headache. I’m ready to mainline espresso. Off to find a vein.
4:13PM
I took Excedrin instead. Needles freak me out.
10:30PM
Aren’t cleanses supposed to make you feel fantastic and energetic and how I imagine Kelly Ripa awakes every day? It feels more like I’m bedridden with some 14th Century epidemic.
Sunday, Day 2
9:03AM
I woke up this morning actually feeling really awake and alert, and I think this self-inflicted torture is working! I got down my grandpa-odored prune juice with minor gagging and I’m ready to actually enjoy my Sunday.
9:12AM
I take it back, this is the worst. Kill me.
4:28PM
In my hunger, I seem to be stuck in a permanent state of Bitch. I can feel myself being rude and impatient with my roommates or whoever else dares enter my field of vision, but I can’t stop. I want to stab them in the neck with a fork. To distract myself, I painted my nails, but the color was eerily reminiscent of the shade of prune juice and I got too nauseated to finish all ten fingers. Sorry, Right Hand. I always mess you up anyways.
8:03PM
Mean Girls just started on VH1. I’ll be tolerable for the next 2.5 hours (though not during commercial breaks). Happy October 3rd!
10:30PM
Mean Girls is over. I’m sequestering myself to my room to ensure that I still have friends come Tuesday morning. It turns out that food is my mood stabilizer, and I’ve been off my meds for 48 hours. Watch it.
Monday, Day 3
9:04AM
One more day, one more day. I can do this.
12:36PM
Oh my God, they’re having Champagne and cake at work today. I can’t do this.
1:00PM
I softly cried as they sipped their champagne and ate their cake. I licked my tears in an attempt to taste something salty. Then, I took a walk around the block to remove myself from the situation like an addict who accidentally stumbled into a crack den (but the crack looked AMAZING).
7:00PM
I made it through work, but the hunger is getting ridiculous and marginally painful. It feels like Christmas Eve when I was a kid. I just want to go to sleep so I can wake up that much sooner, except instead of being cute and excited, I’m old and haggard and now totally transformed into a raging bitch. I keep daydreaming about what I’m going to eat when this is over and I think I’ve settled on some sort of pancake/bacon/pizza/hamburger combo. They probably sell something like that at McDonalds, right?
Upon reflection, this cleanse was one of the dumbest things I’ve ever done. I love eating, I love food, and I in no way feel like a healthier person. I’m sure that after three days of consuming about 500 daily calories, I’ve lost some weight, but those lbs are lookin to come back at me with a vengeance the moment I even look at a frozen pizza.
Important lessons learned from this experience: 1) I have more self-control than I ever thought I did. 2) My self-control comes at the price of my patience, humor, and all other mildly positive aspects of my personality. 3) Don’t come near me if I haven’t eaten unless you have food for me.
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If you love Hungry Women, check out Kosha Patel’s Guide to Being Gluten-Free!
