Dating Man-i-festo

I‘m sure most women can agree that men need to be better at dating. We’re all going to die alone if they don’t stop being lame. Here are some should-be-obvious rules all men should follow, in my most humble opinion.

Note:  I only really have experience in heterosexual dating, but I feel these rules apply for women, men, gay, straight or whatever (expect maybe the masturbation notes…for women, just learn what you like and seek that out…maybe another article on that later.)
If you are meeting a woman at a bar and she arrives after you, offer her your seat. If you are walking outside and it gets cold, offer her your jacket. If you are sitting in the audience of some event and you have a snack, offer her some to eat. This is just common decency. You learned this in pre-school. It will now get you laid.

Care if the Woman Comes
Sex isn’t all about the orgasm, and I feel there is actually TOO much focus on the orgasm in terms of sexual success. HOWEVER, she has to feel like you give a shit about her pleasure. If each party’s goal is the other’s pleasure, the sex is going to be good. Communicate, take direction, and aim to please. If you only focus on your own pleasure, you’ll be resorting to jerking off in the corner of your pathetic one room slum of an apartment to the sound of your neighbors fucking.

Pick a Fucking Restaurant
Personally, I’m a busy chick. I make decisions and tell people what to do all day. Dinner is really the last thing I want to have to think about. You’re paying, so you pick the place. Ask if there’s any food I don’t like and which night works best for me, and let me know where and when we’re going. It’s just food. I’m going to judge the conversation most, anyway…and maybe your car.

Don’t Get in a Masturbation Rut
Don’t get into a rut with your masturbation routine. If you’re pressed for time and just try to make yourself come as quickly as possible, stop doing that. You are going to come all over yourself the second she pulls down your zipper. Think premature ejaculation only happens to 15 year olds? Make time for some quality masturbation. Bring yourself to the brink of coming, then back off. Then do this again. Then again. Then again, until you’re about to go fucking nuts and then cover that tube sock in all your glory.

If you have trouble keeping it up, don’t fret; this happens to more men than would care to admit.  There are other ways to make her come while you work on tuning your equipment up. Be like a sex magician and distract her with one hand while the other one is doing the work.
Call or Text the Morning After to Check In
This is greatly overlooked, but it shows care, interest, and confidence. If you want a second date, then text this the next morning: “Thank you for the awesome night. I had a great time!” Or something more creative, but that one’s always a safe bet. If you had an awkward sexual encounter with a friend, call them the next day and check in or it’s going to be FUCKING awkward the next time you see them. Just get it over with and keep that friendship alive.

Note: This is a careful balance. Don’t be clingy or desperate and text all the time. That’s lame. Play it cool and confident and let her have the last word.

Get a Decent Wardrobe
I’m not saying you have to spend a lot of money or change your personality, just maybe put a sport coat over that Spider-Man t-shirt and buy something other than white New Balance shoes.

No Games
Women have this reputation for playing dating games; but, sadly, men play them just as much, if not more. Men will become more attentive and interested if you ignore them for about 2-3 weeks. So, you like that dude? Ignore him.

If I think I might like you, I’m going to ask you out and find out if I actually DO like you. I’m not head over heels yet — I just want to know. I don’t have time to play games and frankly, they piss me off. If you don’t show some balls or interest I’m moving on. No hearts broken. Don’t worry.

If you’re not interested, just let the chick know. She’s going keep texting until you do. Also, if you are not sure whether you are interested, go out with her a few times and find out. She probably feels the same way and just wants to know if you’re a potential partner. I am personally guilty of the not-text-back technique, but it’s a horrible thing to do to someone, so just let them know the truth.
Masturbate with a Condom
Do this. It’s not coming off while we’re having sex, nor should it with any woman. What the fuck is wrong with you? Bareback? Were you raised with Nebraskan style sex-ed? You are keeping that thing on, so you had better learn to enjoy it. There are just no other options. So don’t complain, fix your problem, and masturbate with your little rubber friend.

You Can’t Buy Love
But it really doesn’t hurt to try.


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About the author

When not going on sexventures or making a killer gin martini, Audrey Desclos serves as a bad example to her friends and gives terrible advice for her own entertainment.  She also enjoys painting, writing, hiking and boring things like those that she’s not going to write about.  Audrey is searching for her sexual identity, so if you’ve seen it, please let her know.  She’d put her phone number in here but she has a couple of stalkers.  Just leave a comment or something.

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