Like many of the seasonally employed, the cupids of the world are putting that impulse to assault strangers to use year-round with a little rebranding. Here’s a few of the ways they’ve repurposed their traditional role for a new marketing angle.
Gangsta Cupid
Gang violence just got a little more loveable! This cherub doesn’t fly so much as he drives by. Bloods and Crips? More like LOVES and Crips! The more Gangsta Cupid retaliates against rival gangs, the less they hate … any time he shoots a foe, that thug goes all soft and falls in love with someone from his crew. By year’s end, the task force on gang violence will be a regular love-in. FBI agents are thrilled with plummeting crime rates … and their new gangbanger boyfriends. If only all Glocks had such an effect!
Dexter Cupid
This Miami-based cupid follows a special code, creating justice in an unjust world through judicious use of his love-scalpel. Murderers, serial rapists and psychopaths watch out! Dexter Cupid’s gonna get you … and turn you into a babytalking, lovey-dovey, vanilla law-biding citizen. That crazy murderer obsessed with killing hookers? Now obsessed with writing a perfect love song. That Cuban drug lord who mutilated small children with a paring knife? Now busily carving initials in a heart into tree trunks. Justice has been served … with sugar on top.
Plastic Surgeon Cupid
A modern take on the arrow of love, Dr. Cupid will shoot you with Botox to ensure your outer beauty matches that of your inner beauty. Because sure, any old cupid can help you fall in love, but your odds of scoring are way better with a little nip-tuck body buffing, am I right? (Note: This Cupid requires the preexisting condition of a comfortable financial situation and does not ensure actual happiness, but often comes with the bonus of an out-of-control downward spiral that will be well-documented by Us Weekly.)
TMZ Cupid
If you’ve encountered Dr. Cupid Surgeon to the Stars, TMZ Cupid is probably sure to follow. Shooting you with his Nikon of Love, you’ll immediately be smitten with your own sense of self-importance, even though you are probably just a B-list celebrity who flashed her vag in front of a Los Angeles nightclub. You will pretend to be annoyed, but will be heartbroken if not constantly pestered by TMZ Cupid.
OkCupid
For those regular mortals tired of waiting for Cupid to fly our way, he’s opened up an online presence. Conveniently, you can login after (or during) work and scroll through numerous profiles, until you click that Cupid’s arrow … uh … cursor … on the person you hope to fall in love with. The results are…. okay.
