Cthulhu’s Presidential Cabinet

Running on a “Smaller government, Bigger monster” platform, Cthulhu has recently announced his candidacy for US President! His many cult followers believe he’s just the scary, tentacled deity to become our next overlord Commander in Chief! After all, there’s nothing like the constant threat of destruction and a never-ending reign of terror to whip a country into shape!

So, who would everyone’s favorite Elder God nominate for his Cabinet?


Vice President – Lars Ulrich 


Photo: Jacob Dinesen

Long enamored with Metallica’s album Ride the Lightning, Cthulhu wouldn’t hesitate to bring Lars Ulrich on as his right hand man. A “Cthulhu/Ulrich” ticket has a certain ring to it, after all.

First order of business: Change the National Anthem to “Call of Ktulu.”

Chief of Staff –  Robot H.P. Lovecraft


Photo: Lucius B. Truesdell/Arkham House

No one knows Cthulhu’s personal and professional needs as intimately as his creator, long-deceased American horror writer H.P. Lovecraft. Cthulhu would kidnap the best robotics engineers in the world and force them to create a state-of-the-art Lovecraftbot, who would keep the White House’s West Wing  running in a most efficient and creepy way.

First Order of Business: Invest billions upon billions of dollars into a fully revamped space program.

First Lady – Octomom


Photo:Nathanael Jones, PacificCoastNews.com

Cthulhu, not being a close reader of tabloids and in dire need of a mate,  would woo Octomom on Match.com under the belief that she’s part octopus. Chief Advisor Ann Rice, would then calmly explain to Cthulhu that annihilating his new bride would be bad for his campaign. So, against all odds, the newlywed
 odd just couple might be able to work out their differences with help of Loveline’s Doctor Drew and noted Lovecraft scholar S.T. Joshi.
First Order of Business: Pitch a “Living in the White House with 14 Kids and 14,000 Tentacles” reality TV show to Bravo.

Secretary of Commerce – Sheryl Sandberg


Photo: Antoine Antoniol/Bloomberg News

Cthulhu is many things, but a businessmonster he is not. He’s known to store all of his gold in a coffee can buried on one of the moons of Saturn, after all. So, as Cthulhu was steadily rising to popularity on the Internet, he kept an eye on Facebook’s head honcho, Sheryl Sandberg, with an eye to nab her for his own private junta when the time is right.

First orders of business: Sign Cthulhu up for a bank account. Delete all the anti-Cthulhu Facebook pages.

Secretary of Defense –  One Million Shoggoths


Illustration: Pahko

Cthulhu, being something of a megalomaniacal war hawk, comes equipped with his own military branch, a group of slave-like shoggoths who are eager to do his every bidding. Bonus: Cthulhu’s pre-trained shoggoth force would take pressure off the currently out-of-control defense budget! 

First order of business: Take over Canada. Hypnotize, mechanize, and refit all the moose as amphibious assault vehicles. The shoggoths would then ride the formidable aqua-moose-force into the depths of the South Pacific where they would bomb the crap out of R’lyeh, Cthulhu’s former underwater prison.

So, would you vote Cthulhu?


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About the author

Kristen Bobst is a grade-A comedy writer, an unstoppable sock puppeteer, and the world's foremost whimsy aficionado. She certainly believes the meaning of life really is 42; and right now Kristen is really into The Carrie Diaries. Comediva. Where the funny girls are.

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