Behind the Leaves: Famous Trees, Where Are They Now?

In the rest of the transcription Neytiri will speak on behalf of “Vitraya” or whatever her name is.

Amanda:  First off, you are so pretty!!  I mean, you sparkle so hard you make unicorns look boring.  Anyway, there was a sex scene, in Avatar with Neytiri here, right under your branches.  Were you an active participant or a voyeur?

Tree of Souls:  I set the mood and then gave Neytiri instructions.  Like a spiritual life coach.

Amanda:  Kind of like a cult leader and a dom?  I dig you.

Tree of Souls: What?

Amanda:  It’s just like “I see you,” but better.  So, you got to work with Sigourney Weaver.  How was that?

Tree of Souls:  It was great.  She’s an amazing actress and very tall.

Amanda:  Did she ever try to push any of that Activia crap on you?

Tree of Souls:  You’re thinking of Jamie Lee Curtis.

After that show of professionalism, I moved on, to a Hollywood tree from The Happening.  Neytiri came with me, because American trees are just as hard to understand.

Amanda:  God, you are scary!  Your name is Susan?  I had no idea you were a chick.

Susan:  Yes, nice to meet you. Don’t worry, people usually think I’m male.

Amanda:  Wow, you’re so nice.  I was terrified to talk to you.

Susan:  Type casting.  I’m a broad shouldered, gnarly chick.  I’m not going to be cast as the Tree of Life.

Amanda:  Your resume is impressive.  What were your favorite roles?

Susan:  Well, I have a thing for scaring boys.

Amanda:  You and a lot of my friends… do you tell them you want to get married?

Susan:  You are strange.

Amanda:  I’m talking to a tree using an alien interpreter, that should be a given.

Susan:  Well, I meant that I enjoyed my role as the creepy tree in Poltergeist.  Although, Clown Doll was annoying.  He always wanted to do pantomime between takes… not my jam.  Ohhh, look I can act like a tree.  BORING.

Amanda:  I can see that.  You were also the Womping Willow from Harry Potter and The Chamber of Secrets and the Prisoner of Azkaban.  How did you prepare?

Susan:  I had to go on a diet and train to look like Willow.  I worked for about eight months with a real Willow.  After the films came out, she claimed that she was the primary Willow in the film, but I assure you I did my own stunts.  Ninety percent of the film was me.  I beat up the car and worked with the boys.  She was only my double in distant shots.

Amanda:  Blood is pouring from my eyeballs.  Is this some weird M. Night Shyamalan twist?

Susan:  Indeed. You are the tree and I am you.

I got the hell out of there, dumped Neytiri and went to see Treebeard, a nice, English speaking Ent from Lord of The Rings.  Treebeard picked me up andPhoto Source: tuckborough.net squished me.

Treebeard:  I need to speak to the Entmoot.  We will decide if you are an orc.

Amanda:  I’m not an Orc!!  I’m Human.  I wanted you to tell me your side of filming The Lord of the Rings.

Treebeard:  I have no side.

Amanda:  You’re going to kill me.  Um, how do you feel about Arbor Day?

Treebeard:  I don’t see the point.  They come with fire, they come with axes… gnawing, biting, breaking, hacking, burning.  Destroyers and usurpers.  But, I suppose it has its merits.

Amanda:  You’re a downer.

Treebeard:  We must weather such things as we have always done.

Amanda:  What?

Treebeard:  It takes a long time to say anything in Old Entish.  We never say anything unless it is worth taking a long time to say, young orc.

Amanda:  I’m not an orc!

Treebeard:  Don’t be hasty, we have time to discuss.

Amanda:  No, actually, I’m running out of oxygen.  God, why did the hobbits put up with you?

Treebeard:  Eh, I’ll come through for you in battle.

And then I died… or was I already dead?  Oh eff you, M. Night Shyamalan!!

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