Banging the Job Interview

1.  If It’s a Dude

Don’t talk sports unless you watch them.  I mean, you’ve got to know what the hell you’re talking about.  I had this interview with this Japanese guy and all he wanted to talk was Sumo.  I thought Japanese people were into baseball and karaoke.  But no, this guy’s all refined and crap.  I told him the only fat people I watch are on The Biggest Loser, and I only watch that when I feel like laughing until I pee myself. FYI, Japanese people know martial arts.

2.  If It’s a Black Person

I had this interview with this black guy, right?  And he was all nice, and I was like, “Dude, you’re pretty nice.”  He’s all, “Thanks, man.”  Totally got the job.  Seriously.  Tell black people they are nice.

3.  If It’s a Chick

Okay, this one is awesome.  If you wear khakis that are half a waist size too small and boxer briefs, you can walk in all smiles and pretend you’re oblivious to how amazing your package looks.  Chicks love guys who are aloof.  Take that Ashley chick from The Bachelorette.  She’s surrounded by nice, handsome guys.  Who does she get hung up on first?  The total assface who acts like he’s high all the time.  Just wear a slight smile and pretend to be disinterested and oblivious.  Chances are, she’ll hate you, and if she hates you, she’ll probably do you right there, then have security throw your ass out when you’re done.  It’s worth it.  IT’S WORTH IT.

4.  If It’s an Old Dude

I always talk about World War II if it’s an old guy.  Start by saying crap like, “Damn, man … so you were probably there, right?”  Or just bullshit your way into it, like, “Yeah, I had a grandfather who was there.  In fact, he was one of the guys that shot Hitler in that theater before it exploded.”  Don’t ever, EVER, bring up lawn mowers.  I’m serious.  You’ll be there all day.

5.  If It’s an Older Chick

You’ve got to feel this one out.  Cougars are all trending right now, and honestly, I have no idea why the hell it took so goddamn long.  But now, older women realize how hip it is.  If you walk in and act stupid as hell, they will adore you.  So just be yourself.  You will get laid AND get the job.  SCORE.

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Comediva makes and shares fiercely funny female-driven comedy. Join the movement!

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