Gente, here’s your weekly list of injustices in the world that warrant your immediate attention and your inconvenient boycott.
Why: Hermanas, Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, the law banning los gays from serving openly in the military, officially ended esta semana. This means that the hot marine who hangs outside the U.S. recruitment oficinas next to my casa — who I totally flirted wth before the ban was lifted — finally told me he likes “leading from behind.”
Boycott: To encourage all gay soldados to come out and expose the rest of the injusticias that gay men suffer en este país, I say we boycott all lies!
Instead, tell the truth about things you usually lie about, como:
– Your weight. (“Mira, I’m 250, bitch. Y que? Lard and mantequilla makes food taste good, and somehow that’s my fault?”)
– Your age. (“Mira, I’m 35, bitch. Y que? I’m loving it porque in my ’20s I was always insecure and didn’t know how to balance my own pinche checkbook. Ay, por favor, youth is overrated.”)
– Your bank account. (“Mira, I’m broke bitch. Y que? At least I can get great deals on surprisingly cute and stylish clothes at Target. Wo-woo!”)
– The fact that you just farted. (“Mira, I can’t control my flatulence, bitch. Y que? Bean Burritos and Indian Food taste good, and somehow
2. College Football
Why: I don’t usually watch deportes (other than that game where Cristiano Ronaldo takes his shirt off, hugs and kisses other hombres, then gets down on his knees and screams while he flexes — and I’m still not sure whether that was fútbol or just some soft-core gay porn my gay hermano left on my home DVR.)
Pero, apparently, according to The Atlantic, college football is a million dollar industria, in which none of the jugadores who participate get their fair share. College athletes are basically treated like cheap labor while las corporaciones reap most of their profits!
College football by:
– Doing what you’ve been doing, porque, let’s face it hermanas, we never watch that shit anyway.
Why: According to a recent estudio,
That’s scientific proof, hermanas, that a real man is not someone who sleeps with as many women as he can and then leaves his ruca for Tejas when a baby comes into the picture — no, a real man is a committed and responsible padre!
To remind hombres of what being a real man is all about, allow your usually repressed masculinity to come through by:
– Letting your mustache and arm pit pelo grow out.
– Refusing to put make-up on so that you end up looking like a less sexy version of Rachel Maddow.
– Finally getting around to supporting mujeres in sports by watching the WNBA.
– Allowing yourself to start a “Fight Club” with your best amiga (you know you always wanted to).