Introducing the Cute Animal Doomsday Triumvirate

Guess who wants to bring down civilization as we know it!? Here are a few hints: They’re furry. They’re ubiquitous online. They often make you say “Awwww.” Yep, animals want nothing more than to topple society. Comprising a badger, a cat, and a sloth, the Doomsday Triumvirate are three bizarre, cute, and cuddly [respectively] animals who have set in motion a plot to bring down humanity.

The three current leaders of the Doomsday Triumvirate are:

The Original Lolcat

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A cat belonging to photographer Harry Whittier Frees, known to the world as “The Original Lolcat,” or to her friends as Furball, rose to fame in 1905. Furball’s descendent, Furball the 56th, hell-bent on immortality, positioned herself as the pet of an eccentric MIT student in the early 2000s. When her master created a USB-to-brain cable, Furball uploaded her consciousness online and now generates cat posts by the millions. Furball can haz the brains behind the Doomsday Triumvirate.

That Crazy Nastyass Honey Badger


Honey Badger don’t care about society and order. Honey badger just wants to take over the world. That Crazy Nastyass Honey Badger leads the Doomsday Triumvirate’s military wing. When humanity falls, cities will be overrun with indomitable honey badgers. Fact: Thirteen honey badgers can take down one M2 Bradley Infantry Fighting Tank in less than three minutes. Honey Badger just takes what it wants.

Meltdown Sloth


Sloths were once sleeper agents for the Doomsday Triumvirate. Melon, the Meltdown Sloth, revealed herself on The Ellen Show, showing us her super power: creating cuteness-induced panic attacks. Meltdown Sloth’s role in the Doomsday Triumvirate is to screw with people’s emotions using her Cute Ray, rendering them as helpless as a hysterical Kristen Bell.

Origins

The Doomsday Triumvirate does not act alone. Nor were they the originators of the civilization-squashing plan.

Crows using sticks as tools were commissioned hundreds of years ago to start the development of the World Wide Web. The original concept of the Internet was collectively birthed from the minds of seventeen highly intelligent guinea pigs in a think tank in Esch-sur-Alzette, Luxemborg in 2017. Known as the Luxembourgian Fluff Brigade, the rodents, in a future timeline that no longer exists, saw what people were doing to Earth. Using CERN’s Large Hadron Collider as a big hamster wheel, the Luxembourgian Fluff Brigade catapulted themselves back in time to negotiate a deal with the crows.

Human Ambassadors

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Human pawns are also vital to the rise of the Doomsday Triumvirate. Rick Astley and Rebecca Black are constantly aiding the Triumvirate’s plans with an endless stream of YouTube views. Some suggest that Larry Page, Felicia Day, Chris Hardwick, and Alison Brie might also be agents for the Triumvirate.

How Will It All Play Out?

Civilization will crumble once the Doomsday Triumvirate releases the Ultimate Meme, which will include not only adorable sloths, sassy honey badgers, innumerable Lolcats, but also an annoying-yet-catchy soundtrack. As the Ultimate Meme spins off into countless other memes, humans won’t be able to look away from their computers. Soon the streets will be overrun with honey badger foot soldiers. Lolcats will take over all major governments — and sloths will Cute Ray anyone who tries to stop them.


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About the author

Kristen Bobst is a grade-A comedy writer, an unstoppable sock puppeteer, and the world's foremost whimsy aficionado. She certainly believes the meaning of life really is 42; and right now Kristen is really into The Carrie Diaries. Comediva. Where the funny girls are.

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