With the emerging environmental crisis, it’s only a matter of time before Disney cashes in on the green movement. That’s when they introduce Princess Sunshine Starblossom, who believes in the soul of the trees and the spirit of the wind and the love of the grass. This hippie princess faces trouble when a huge factory called NBC moves into town and spews vile green smoke into the air. Fortunately, Sunshine is here to save the day — and the earth — from this encroaching capitalist menace!
Love Interest: The Spirit of the Earth, and also a nearby hippie farm boy named Stephen.
Animal Sidekick: All of the animals, plants, and inanimate earthly objects, but especially a nearby bald eagle named Walt.
Moral of the Story: All big corporations and factories are bad for the Earth (…except Disney. They’re here to make all your dreams come true!).
Princess Miss Anna Thang
This Disney gal isn’t so much a princess as she is a fabulous queen. Armed with dark lipliner, sparkly blue eyeshadow, and enough hairspray to light the castle on fire, Miss Anna Thang is just looking for the perfect gown and the right guy to sweep her off her thigh-high platform heels. But everything changes when an army of khaki and polo-wearing folk who aren’t down with the way Miss Anna Thang runs the castle arrive and threaten to run her out of town. Miss Anna Thang springs into action and attempts to save her diva-kingdom while ABBA’s “Dancing Queen” plays as her soundtrack.
Love Interest: Miss Anna Thang doesn’t have time for men, girl. Although that one over there is mighty cute. Hello there, handsome.
Animal Sidekick: Her jewelry-wearing yorkie, Princess Sparkle
Moral of the Story: Dance out your feelings, and stay away from the squares.
In the vein of Anastasia (who is not a Disney princess), Princess Marie is a real-life tale of a real-life princess: Marie Antoinette! And just like the animated Anastasia escaped to freedom even though her real-life counterpart was almost certainly murdered with the rest of the Romanovs, who knows how Marie’s story will end? Maybe the peasant uprising will turn out to be nothing after all, or maybe Marie will escape because who cares? This is Disney, for crying out loud. If they want to rewrite the French Revolution, they will!
Love Interest: Louis-Auguste, Dauphin of France. Also frivolity, carelessness, and cake.
Animal Sidekick: A fluffy white dog named Jean-Luc whose daily upkeep costs more than the yearly salary of the average peasant.
Moral of the Story: If you promise them pastries, invite them in to share in your happiness! Then, while they’re literally eating cake, flee.
Princess Prince Jon
But wait, why should princesses get all the fun of being wealthy and searching for a suitable mate? Disney’s new fairy tale protagonist, Prince Jon, is here to break down even more gender stereotypes. He’s a heterosexual male but he’s really into singing, sewing, and reading, and all he’s looking for is his Princess Charming! When an ogre comes to town and captures Jon, he must be rescued by his female friend, June, or the whole kingdom will be destroyed. Now who’s the damsel in distress, bitches?
Love Interest: June, the town hunter. It’s a very gender stereotype-free town.
Animal Sidekicks: Lilac the poodle and Cupcake the unicorn
Moral of the Story: Ogres are unequivocally bad and should be stopped. Other than that, anyone can and should be whatever they want.
Brave’s new princess, Merida, is a youngin’ by any princess standard; she’s a rambunctious teenager as opposed to the elegant young women who make up the Disney Princess Collection. But why limit princess status to the young and unmarried? That’s where Princess Ethel comes in. Born in 1928, Ethel hangs around the castle all day, knitting and becoming deaf, but when a crowd of teenagers moves into the castle next door, it’s up to Ethel to save the neighborhood from hooligans, ruffians, delinquents, and vitality.
Love Interest: Harold, the elderly prince of the teenagers. He’s just as old and just as angry as Ethel and together, they’re unstoppable (except for when it’s nap time).
Animal Sidekick: Her 16 cats, each named after a different black and white film star.
Moral of the Story: Respect your elders, or at least talk so quickly they can’t understand what you’re saying