The new Battlestar Galactica spin-off series, Blood and Chrome, is currently being shown on YouTube way before its February premiere date on the SyFy channel.
Unfortunately, for die-hard BSG fans, the new show is already incredibly disappointing.
Here’s how to fix the new BSG spin-off before it officially airs in February:
1. More flying dead bodies in space.
Judging by the clips of the new show on YouTube, the characters have only encountered one — ONE — dead body flying through space.
There should be at the very least 10 dead bodies flying through space near the Battlestar Galactica (or being shot directly out of the Battlestar Galactica itself) about ever 5 minutes.
2. Ditch the pre-pubescent Adama.
Okay, who’s bright idea was it to focus on middle-school-aged William Adama?
What is this, BSG: Superbad?
In the next episode, is Adama gonna get a fake ID and try to crash a Battlestar nightclub to get some Ambrosia for the first time?
Let’s at least get an Adama in his mid to late 20’s, when he’s able to legally rent a Viper.
3. Make the female characters 10 times more badass than they currently are.
Why are no women in this show treating their male counterparts like cheap, expendable sex toys — or kicking their commanders in the crotch for no reason other than they feel like it?
4. Provide an on-going premise for the show that forces the audience to try to solve a mystery — and has them on pins and needles the entire time.
I know we can’t do the “12-cyclons-are-secretly-hiding-on-the-Battlestar-and-they-could-be-anybody”-thing, but how about this:
“Venereal diseases were created by sluts. These diseases rebelled. They evolved. There are many copies. 12 people on the Battlestar Galactica have gonorrhea. Four of them also have crabs. And they have a plan….”
5. More people should be threatening to launch nuclear weapons.
At nearly every interval of the story, the show’s writers must insert the following phrases into the dialogue:
“We are under a nuclear attack!”
“Get the nukes ready!”
“My home planet has just been nuked!”
“They are all dead commander! They were nuked!”
“Frak it. Let’s nuke ’em!”
6. A beloved main character must die. Horribly. (Like, right away.)
It’s very disappointing to watch a BSG spin-off and find that most of the main characters are still alive fifteen minutes in.
Come on. Is this BSG, or is this Stark Trek for whiney babies?
Kill someone off. NOW.
(Oh, and make sure its shocking, unexpected, and occurs in a way that this beloved main character clearly did not deserve.)
7. More sex.
Did someone just sterilize the fleet and make everyone asexual blobs?
Seriously: in the show, there was a woman and a man naked in a shower together and rough military-style sex did not immediately happen afterward.
Again: is this BSG or is this Star Wars for cowardly toddlers?
8. Frak it, just turn it into Season Five of Ronald D. Moore’s BSG.
Who’s with me? Eh? Eh?