1. Your Professor and T.A. aren’t bangable.
Unlike in the movies, none of your professors look like Russell Crowe, but instead look a whole lot more like Margaret Thatcher. And all your T.A.s resemble the cast of “The Big Bang Theory” — if they all got punched in the face. 2. You actually have work to do.
Real college life isn’t all about partying and getting wasted. No, about 99% of the time, everyone in college is sitting down, hunched over their laptops, wearing hoodies (that haven’t been washed in three months) and sandals (that have nine different kinds of fungal infections from the dorm showers).
3. Those who do get wasted and party all the time either become pro athletes after college or…
… go to rehab.
4. No one goes out on date.
A date in college is comprised of you and your boyfriend (or girlfriend) watching a marathon of “Friends” and/or “Gilmore Girls” in the dorm basement, while eating left over Cheez-Its and licorice from last night’s dorm meeting (with occasional fondling in between going to the DVD player and switching over to the next DVD).
5. Pretty much everyone is broke.
In real life, college is expensive, and it’s nearly impossible to hold down a full-time job while you’re a student. And yet, somehow, everyone is able to afford endless amounts of alcohol. (Students at MIT once tried to calculate how this was mathematically possible, but after a quick game of beer pong in between doing research, they blacked out and forgot where they placed their findings.)
6. Falling in love while studying abroad sucks.
Maintaining a long-distance relationship with some guy (or girl) you fell in love with while studying abroad in Rome is actually a lot like being single: there’s no sex, no cuddling, most of the time you’re alone, and more often than not, you find yourself curled up in the corner of your room eating Ben and Jerry’s while crying into a framed picture of someone you’re pretty sure is sleeping with someone else.
7. When you graduate, no hot, older people will want to sleep with you.
Mrs. Robinson is into younger prey these days: High School graduates. So, if you don’t have acne, don’t assume she’s trying to seduce you when she invites you over to her house — she literally wants you to unclog her toilet.
8. After college, you’re probably not going to be moving on to a new, fancy job in an exotic location — you’re probably moving back home with your parents.
Today’s graduates are drowning in student loan debt and have to face one of the toughest job markets in the history of the country. The upside to all this: free parking and mom’s home cooking is still THE BOMB!