I remember (fondly, in fact) the first time I was asked out by a drummer. Of course, I called up my gay best friend and told him the good news. He assured me that dating a musician was just about the coolest thing a girl could do, but as soon as he found at that the gent’ in consideration was a drummer, his face dropped. “Oh, forget it. Never date a drummer.” Just like that!
So, I did what any girl in my position would do. Desperate for dick and the chance to prove my friend wrong, I dated him. And after that, another drummer. And after that, another drummer. I became a repeat offender pretty quickly. I learned that I actually love drummers. I do! And I’m not just saying that because I can’t afford apology cards for ex-lovers (thanks a lot student loans). Really, I’m not. Drummers are a lot of fun, but, really, you should never date them.
Now, for all you foolhardy gals who can’t take good advice at face value (like myself) I’ve compiled a list of seven perfectly good reasons why these dudes deserve a fake number.
1. Until you’re a girlfriend, you’re a groupie.
And in saying so, I mean no disrespect to groupies. Rock ‘n roll, ladies.
2. There’s nothing sexier than dating a musician, but drummers aren’t real musicians.
They’re about a level up from your neighbor’s dip-shit third-grader who hums into the recorder when he plays “Hot Crossed Buns.”
3. “I live for music” is drummer code for “I live with my parents.”
They’ll try to tell you that not having their own place makes things easier when the band tours. Don’t believe it.
4. You’re in a relationship-by-proxy with their Roadie
There’s only one thing worse than a guy who expects the woman he’s dating to do everything for him. And that’s a guy who expects his roadie to do everything for him.
5. They have trouble keeping time, which isn’t really their fault, they just don’t know how to count.
But it’ll still drive you crazy when they show up late for everything.
They take triangles (the instrument) very seriously — and they expect you to as well. I’ll condense an hour-long demonstration into a simple “They’re more complicated than you might expect.” Hint: If you actually give a shit about this, Wikipedia is less likely to drool over the damn things than a drummer.
7. Banging Puns
And finally, you’ll hear drummers jokingly use the line, “I bang for a living,” as a reason to get with them.
Clever, and I have to give it to them, every drummer I’ve been with has been (pardon the pun) a fucking rock star in bed, but the idea that a drummer makes a living is the real funny part.
So, there ya have it. If this hasn’t convinced you that those pretty punks are better left alone, then I don’t know what will. (It could be anything from his dim conversation skills to his incessant tapping on absolutely everything.)
A little part of me feels like I should reiterate once more that I do, in fact, love drummers, because I really don’t want any drummers reading this to get the wrong idea. But, who am I kidding? We all know drummers can’t read. Zing! Okay, okay. I’ll stop now. Just had to squeeze one more in on my way out.
Alright ladies, it’s your turn. Have you ever dated a drummer?