Movie romances are great. It’s fun to root for a star-crossed couple; it’s rewarding to watch an underdog finally get the girl. But have you ever cried into your popcorn, shedding tears because you identify with a neglected hero in one of these Hollywood fairytales? Do you sometimes feel deeply for a minor character when love skips over him?
Here are the top epic movie romances — of all time — that should have been.
Aladdin: Princess Jasmine and Genie
Let’s face it. Aladdin’s a wishy-washy asshat. He transforms himself into what he thinks Jasmine wants. We all know that changing yourself for someone is a messy, resentful breakup waiting to happen. You know who stays true to himself the entire film? Genie. Genie even tries to talk Aladdin out of the whole Prince Ali debacle. “Ninety-five white Persian monkeys?” Really, dude? Genie knew what Jasmine wanted all along…and it was never ~100 white monkeys.
Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me: Felicity Shagwell and Fat Bastard
Did Felicity Shagwell have to sleep with Fat Bastard to “pump him for information”? Nope, she did it because she’s a hog-wild chubby-chaser. To be fair, there is something sexy about Fat Bastard’s unintelligible accent and his take-no-prisoners attitude. They’d have the most deliciously obese babies.
Star Wars: Return of the Jedi: Princess Leia and Jabba the Hut
We already know Leia is one kinky ho; she makes out with her brother for cripes sake. On top of that, one generally only wears a metallic bikini when trying to impress someone special. Who cares if Leia kills Jabba at the end of their flirtation; sometimes love hurts.
The Princess Bride: Westley and Inigo Montoya
Buttercup is a total user and a stone cold dominatrix. She orders Westley around, forcing him to say “As you wish” like a lovesick robot. Then, bam!, she gets herself engaged to a real d-bag. Inigo Montoya, on the other hand, is a proactive daredevil. He challenges Westley, and Westley’s a better man for it. Plus, we all know what all that swordplay really means. Westley and Inigo: That’s love, true love.
The Lord of the Rings: Gandalf and The Balrog
So Gandalf, in typical wizard fashion, saves Frodo and all his buddies by fighting off the fiery
Balrog demon in Fellowship of the Ring. Then, poof, he disappears for the rest of that movie before popping up as a fresh, new man in The Two Towers. But where did he go? What was he doing? Why, he was busy banging the Balrog! That’s what gives him that pretty white afterglow. If only they could have made it work…
Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory: Willy Wonka and Mr. Slugworth
Candy is dandy, but even the most whimsical of dudes needs to get his rocks off on occasion. Mr Slugworth is steadfastly loyal, and clearly ever ready to take a couple of big ol’ everlasting gobstoppers when the bossman’s in the mood.
Cast Away: Wilson and a Coconut
Wilson has it rough in this film. He’s stuck with a scruffy, off-his-rocker Tom Hanks for a grueling two-plus hours. Wouldn’t he be better off ditching the washed up weirdo on day one and rolling off into the sunset with a cute coconut instead?
