We are all grateful for change, and evolution is a necessary function for living and growing. However, there are a few things — six to be exact — that we all could have survived without changing and morphing into such a phenomenon.
Remember when this carb-heavy treat was strictly for PTA meetings and first birthdays? Now it’s the token symbol for “I’m a hot girl who can bake, eat processed sugar, and party.” Yes, cupcakes are a cute and charming dessert to bring to Pinterest-inspired parties or take Instagram photos of, but enough is enough, hot girls! Put the icing and whisk down, and surrender the cupcake to its rightful owner: solo binge eaters who don’t understand the concept of a serving size or love. It has to stop at cupcakes, or the possibilities for making un-sexy foods look sexy are endless. What’s next? Flan and kugel?
Remember when being alive and nice was a thing? The sudden infatuation with infected dead people who want to feed on the chipper living is of concern. Now, I’m all about a glistening vampire who is fighting a shirtless werewolf for the love and blood of a very pale human, but zombies have crossed a line. The idea that a fellow citizen has come back from the dead to eat brains seems like a thing that should never have gained any traction, and yet it’s the subject of two of the most popular shows on TV: The Walking Dead and Keeping Up With the Kardashians.
Never has an STD been so slutty as HPV. Did you know you can contract HPV from way more than just some random guy at a dive bar? You can get it from tanning beds, hot tubs, and even experimental sex with women. The crazy thing about Human Papilloma Virus is that after two white wine spritzers and a shot, it’s totally acceptable dinner conversation, not to mention a great way to click with a new friend for life. This is the only STD that we boast and bond over. “What strand do you have!?” “Did you get the shot?!” “Wait, you slept with Ryan Williams too?!”
Living in Los Angeles, there are two requirements: number one, always act like you’re okay with the conversation not being about you, and number two, love avocados. Don’t get me wrong, avocados are great, but the pressure to love them has gotten out of hand. Avocado lovers, please stop throwing your “super food” facts in my face. People say things like, “It’s a good fat…not like eating cake,” and “You know you can live off just three avocados a day.” The love for avocados is so over-the-top, they even have their own festival. The only things that should have festivals are film, art, and cheesecake!
Oh, how I miss the days when you could tell who the pedophile in the room was. Why, oh why have mustaches hit the top of the hip charts with all their memorabilia? You can get a “stache” for any occasion. Do you want your baby to look like a fifty-year-old bartender with three kids from three different relationships? Mustache pacifier. You want your finger to look like a permanent mustache? Mustache finger tattoo. There is nothing sexy about looking like the Monopoly man, or your creepy uncle Jack. Truthfully, I’m a little bitter for all the ladies who lasered their natural mustaches off. It’s a testament to never throwing anything away, because you never know when it’s going to come back in style.
6. Teen Pregnancy
MTV’s 16 and Pregnant is almost as addicting as the meth the people on the show do. What a riveting, half-hour documentary series, inspiring young women to go out and have it all! You know…night school, emotional abuse, and a baby. 16 and Pregnant and Teen Mom go out of their way to undermine the phrase “life is a miracle.” They prove that life is just a little mistake caused by a twelve-pack of Natty Ice and some dude named Rocky.
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