5 Worst Types of Neighbors

Do you live in a mansion high on a mountain, overlooking the ocean, where you’re waited on by dozens of scantily clad manservants? No? Then, keep reading. 

Many of us are forced to live the apartment dweller’s life, which often includes shared laundry facilities, occasionally a communal Jacuzzi, and always … neighbors. While some neighbors are delightful, quiet, and considerate, many neighbors are the true stuff of nightmares. Nightmares that live RIGHT NEXT DOOR, just feet away from where you watch TV, eat, sleep, fornicate, and otherwise … live. 

Got neighbor troubles? Here are the top five worst types of neighbors and tips on how to deal. 

worst_neighborsOne:  Party Rocking Frat Boys 
So you come home after a long day at work or school and settle in with a cup of tea and an episode of “Teen Mom.”  Cool. You’re starting to unwind when BAM, it starts: Party Rock is in the house tonight/ Everybody just have a good time/ And we gonna make you lose your mind… Over and over again. Yep, your frat boy neighbors have decided to throw another Tuesday night rager. Soon there will be headboard banging and the delicate sounds of drunken, moaning coeds to accompany the loud tunes and the other noisy hallmarks of dudebro culture.

How to Deal: 
Academia.  Find out who the frat boys’ professors are and convince them to start giving routine pop quizzes. The boys will have to study; hence, no more inappropriate Party Rocking!

Two:  The Anosmic (Can You Smell That?) Adventurous Chef 
What’s that putrid smell seeping in beneath your door jamb? The olfactory-challenged adventurous cook in Unit 2-B (or not 2-B) just made his favorite specialty: a durian-balut-Limburger cheese bouillabaisse! At least it wasn’t as bad as yesterday’s attempt at lutefisk, right? Pungent!

How to Deal: 
Theft.  Sneak into your neighbor’s apartment and tweak all his recipes. Leave behind spice jars of cinnamon, oregano, and rosemary.

Three:  Mr. Meth Lab 
Sure, there’s nothing wrong with baking the occasional batch of special brownies or taking in a relaxing night at a rave. However, living next door to a meth-cooking, drug-dealing, Dust-Off huffing, LSD-sticker-making neighbor who’s constantly “hopped up on goofballs” is just so not cool.

How to Deal:
Drug Lord of the Flies. Instigate a turf war!

Four:  The Zookeeper 
Ever awakened cuddled up to your neighbor’s pet ball python? Yep, the slippery bastard has a knack for getting loose. For whatever reason, he just loves the smell of your shampoo so much that he can’t resist coiling up on your pillow in the middle of the night. Cozy. If Sir Hiss isn’t the problem, then you probably can’t get any ZZZs because Dr. Doolittle’s pack of vociferous puggles are rehearsing their impressively synchronized cacophony of barks, yips, whines, woofs, and yaps.

How to Deal: 
Play matchmaker. Hook your neighbor up with some hottie who is allergic to dogs and whose parents were eaten by a hungry-hungry anaconda.

Five:  The Nosey Granny with Ears like a Fox 
When you’re kicking that dude-from-last-night (my bad) out of your apartment in the morning, there she is in her pink robe and curlers, picking up her paper… judging you! You pop in a “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” DVD and before Buffy’s slain her first vamp, old neighbor lady’s pounding on your door, “Turn down that racket!” God forbid you ever want to play Castlevania on your Xbox.

How to Deal: 
Companionship. Get her a kitten. Old ladies love kittens. Kittens are the perfect solution for practically any situation. Old lady gets a kitty and you get to shoot the undead in peace. Win-win.


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About the author

Kristen Bobst is a grade-A comedy writer, an unstoppable sock puppeteer, and the world’s foremost whimsy aficionado. She certainly believes the meaning of life really is 42; and right now Kristen is really into The Carrie Diaries.

Comediva. Where the funny girls are.

View all articles by Kristen Bobst

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