By David (Just David, Thanks)Shame is nothing to be ashamed of. Approaching middle age, falling from a successful investment firm to work an eight dollar an-hour job, is. I know it’s happening to everyone right now and some of us have it worse than others. Take me for example: my downfall came not only at the hands of a suicidal economy,
but at the hands of an ex-wife whose Machiavellian schemes put Machiavelli to shame (which he shouldn’t be ashamed of). What can you do but start from scratch and stage a comeback? Hide. Hide while you’re doing it. Here’s how.
1. Wash Your Car Often
It makes it look like you have someone else doing it for you. The illusion of wealth is something businesses practice every day. Plus, this allows you to talk it up, put a spin on it and make you look like a saint. You are, after all, offering a job to someone in need during these hard economic times (or so you will say). Just make sure to do it at night.
2. Practice Ground Rolls
What I mean is, practice rolling on the ground. The instant you think you see someone who might recognize you, what will you do? Hit the deck. Throw yourself to the ground, behind a car, shelf or person. If you don’t learn how to do this properly, you’ll find out how much Workman’s Compensation DOESN’T cover.
3. Stack Boxes
Do anything you can to keep yourself in the back of the store. Usually your poor, uneducated, ambitionless worm of a boss will ask who wants to do some grunt work. YOU DO. You score points with the boss and you stay hidden from sight. When you’re done, do stock. Count everything in the warehouse. Scrub the floors. Go that “extra mile” like a good employee. If they raise a fuss, point out you’re doing exactly what you saw all those super happy people in the mind numbingly stupid training video doing.
4. Change your Hair
I saw this on the Bourne Identity (actually you see this in every spy movie there is). Don’t do anything too drastic as you want to be able to move through the ranks and a mullet will make that impossible. Hair color is an excellent idea for a change too. Something simple is best, avoid looking like a muppet or a carnie, as that will just attract attention and you will have learned ground rolls for nothing.
5. Create a Fake Identical Twin on Facebook
This is an act of pure desperation, but if you’re feeling the pressure and you’re certain to be uncovered, make your twin on Facebook, take lots of stupid profile pics of you being happy while you’re working and Photoshop yourself into a picture with yourself with an arm around yourself. Follow me? The illusion must be complete. Use the feeble security settings to hide the profile from your family.