Just as the name Jane Espenson is synonymous with American television sci fi/fantasy, so is the BBC’s Steven Moffat. Before becoming showrunner of the new Doctor Who in season five, Moffat penned the most memorable episodes in seasons one through four. Every Whovian knows the line “Are you my mummy?” from the two-part episodes “The Empty Child” and “The Doctor Dances”. Moffat created the terrifying Weeping Angels and the Doctor’s sweetie, River Song. He is also behind the re-imagined Sherlock series, which is like 3 movies in each season. For those of you who are caught up, I share your pain in knowing we must wait an entire year after that ridiculous finale.
Steven Moffat is brilliant, the crème de la crème of writers. Which is why, like any struggling writer… I want to be him.
Here are my plans for becoming Steven Moffat:
1. Mind Puppet
The most obvious choice is pulled directly from the movie Being John Malkovich. The plan is simple: all I have to do is find a portal that will allow me to enter the head of Steven Moffat.
Upside: Total control of Moffat’s mind and motor functions.
Downside: Said portal may accidentally dump me in the head of my ex boyfriend and his lover’s unborn child.
2. CyberMoffat
The Doctor Who Christmas Special, The Next Doctor, inspires my next plan of attack. Every Whovian knows Cybermen are (for the most part) former humans whose minds have been planted into robot bodies. In this Christmas special, the human Miss Hartigan controls the gigantic Cyberking. So my plan is simple: transfer Moffat’s consciousness into a towering CyberMoffat powered by moí.
Upside: Commanding a metropolis-destroying robot.
Downside: The Doctor will probably banish me into a Time Vortex.
3. Body Swap
It’s a tale as old as time… or at least as old as the 1976 release of Freaky Friday. Two people magically switch bodies and must live each other’s lives. I only need to find two mystical fortune cookies, convince Moffat to consume one and, presto!, I’m writing the best shows on television and Moffat is making coffee runs for Hollywood types.
Upside: I am Steven Moffat.
Downside: I have the body of a middle-aged man.
4. Hallucinogenic
Just like “The Hounds of Baskerville” episode in the modern Sherlock, where a chemical weapon alters Henry Knight’s psychosis, my next strategy also involves hallucinogenic. By exploiting Moffat’s fears and weaknesses through hallucinations, I can mind bend Moffat to my will. He’ll be too afraid of Dalek attacks to stop me!
Upside: The off-chance I’ll meet Benedict Cumberbatch.
Downside: Unfashionable gas masks.
5. Moffat Master
My final scheme in being Steven Moffat I learned from Darth Vader. Step one: become Moffat’s Padawan learner. Step two: master the ways of the Moffat. Step three: destroy Master Moffat in lightsaber duel.
Upside: The circle is now complete. Now I am the master.
Downside: I am only a master of evil.
Unfortunately, all my insidious plots involve access to magic, top-secret government chemicals, or futuristic technology. Until I am able to access said items, I will continue to watch the Moffat Man’s superb entertainment with equal parts awe and envy.
