5 Foods That Should Never Be Considered a SNACK!

Look, girl, I get it.  It’s 2am.  You haven’t done grocery shopping in a few weeks.  And now you’ve come home drunk, starving, and desperately hunting for anything, anything that you could potentially stuff into your mouth-hole.  It is at that exact moment of hunger, when you’re at your most desperate and vulnerable, that you become way too willing to consume items YOU SHOULD JUST NOT CONSUME.  EVER.  So since your decision-making skills are probably pretty questionable at the moment — let me break it down for you.

The following food items should NEVER, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE, be considered a snack:



Paula Deen doesn’t approve.

Sometimes when there’s nothing in the fridge, my brain seduces me into thinking that butter is a completely viable snack option: butter on old crackers, butter on a slightly rotten Thomas’ English Toaster muffin.  Sometimes, when I’m feeling extra bold, I go ALL THE WAY and just cradle the tub of butter in my arms as I dip random stuff into it.  USER WARNING: Do not look into the mirror after eating straight-up butter.  A sad desperate version of yourself who just wants to be loved will be staring back at you.  Congratulations, kid.  You’ve just spent the past twenty minutes consuming pure fat.

Fiber Cereal
fiberone4242012The thing about fiber cereal is that because you bought it in a fit of guiltiness at Whole Foods and it tastes like crap (obviously), it’s always sitting in the back of your cabinet 2 weeks later.  Thus, it makes the perfect villain for a drunk late-night snack sesh.  It’s okay.  I, too, have been fooled by Kashi more than once myself – resulting in, well … a ton of time on the toilet.  In college, me and my roommate’s drunken FIBER ONE binges became so routine, we started leaving post-it notes on the box itself, reminding ourselves that, “FIBER ONE IS NOT A SNACK.”  No, for real, that’s what our notes said.


They’re actually pretty delicious and taste a bit like a fig.  But, like fiber cereal, they are “not a snack.”  I only mention this because one time my dad (completely sober) tucked into a big box of these guys and well…

Yes, Barbeque Sauce is delicious!  And Strawberry jam is a delight … when you put it on other food items, as a condiment.  BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT IT IS.  A condiment.  Don’t put it into a bowl and try to pretend it’s a soup.  It’s not a soup.  It lives in your fridge next to your mustard and baking soda – and that’s where it should stay.

Your Roommate’s Delicious Leftovers

Yes, I know, there’s a perfectly good box of pad thai/mozzarella sticks/fish tacos just waiting for you in the fridge.  But, guess what?  It’s not yours.  Plus, your roommate is probably planning on taking said leftovers to work the next day.  So don’t be a dick, okay?

Happy Snacking, ladies!


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About the author

Ariana Seigel is a NY-based performer and comedy writer.  She's one half of the hilarious duo ariANDemma, a co-founder of sketch group People's Sketch Association and a musical improviser.

View all articles by Ariana Seigel

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