5 Hair Treatments That Sound Pornographic

Any of these pornographic hair treatments sound familiar? Don’t worry! They actually make your hair look great!
1. The Brazilian Blowout – A Smooth Experience With a Lot of Proteinbrazilianblowout_060412
Many of you naturally think I’m referring to that treat you like to perform for your significant other on special occasions, or as a reward for good behavior (like purse holding and Selena Gomez TV-movie marathons), while the rest of you assume I’m simply referring to Gisele Bundchen. Unfortunately boys, this treatment is for her pleasure only. The Brazilian Blowout is a Keratin treatment — for those of you who don’t know, Keratin is the key ingredient to the material that makes up your skin, hair, and nails. It sounds totally gross, but it’s not! It’s protein. And this treatment is key for keeping your locks smooth and frizz free this winter!2. The Glaze – A Frosted Lubricant to Make Your Stem Look Thick and Shiny

No ladies, I’m not talking about that fake-out you get right before the real show even though you’re not really in the mood in the first place. I’m talking about a glossy lubricant that will coat YOUR shaft and lock in any color (highlights, lowlights — the works). This treatment is excellent for that extra cold weather shine. It’s to dye for! You’re welcome.

3. Japanese Straightening – 3 to 6 Hours of Rigid Asian Discipline

For the few male readers who accidentally stumbled on this page hoping to find porn: You’ve failed. Japanese Straightening refers to an exotic procedure that makes your hair look straighter than a steel metric stick. This fashion forward hair treatment lasts anywhere from four to six months!

4. Deep Conditioning – It Doesn’t Hurt at All, I Promise

When it comes to Deep Conditioning, just remember: Moist, Moist, Moist! Don’t worry girlfriend, I’m not talking about his penis; I’m talking about your hair! This quick and easy treatment is like taking your strands to the spa and trapping them in that steam room that you’re kind of afraid to go into, but that always makes you feel refreshed every time you use it. Any home or salon Deep Conditioning treatment will restore moisture to your hair, making it come back stronger than Britney Spears after 2007.

5. Hot Oil and Jelly – for Your HAIR

Seriously? You’re still hoping this article is about sex? This isn’t that kind of website, buddy.

Hot Oil and Jelly treatments can be performed in the salon or in the convenience of your own bathroom sink. This restorative hair treatment is for those of you with dry, damaged, and broken hair. (If only this treatment would work on your roommate; think about how many long nights you could skip of listening to her yap on about her ex who she dated for six years until he dumped her because he met someone more sensual in Greece.)


Share This

About the author

I have no regrets...except for that time I got a bowl cut. See more Kosha at http://youtube.com/koshadelhi

View all articles by Kosha Patel

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *