What’s more addictive than maplewood smoked bacon? The Following on FOX starring Kevin Bacon! The new crime drama features a genius and murdery Literature professor Joe Carroll, played by dreamy Brit James Purefoy. His foil, the one and only Kevin Bacon, has the job of chasing down Carroll’s brainwashed, Poe-loving cult members before they can fulfill Big Joe’s super-specific and terrifying plan.
Sure, Bacon kicks ass while at the same time battling alcoholism, a gimpy ticker, and several well-read serial killers, but Joe Carroll steals the show, even though we usually only see him bedecked in orange in his teeny tiny jail cell. It’s this kind of seductive charisma that makes these cuckoo killers go Edgar-Allen-whoa all over Joe Carroll and his sinister master plans.
Well, while most British professors have some kind of allure (ain’t nothin’ like the smell of old books, English accents, and the “Is that an advanced degree in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?” of it all), Joe exudes je ne sais quoi like nobody’s business. However, a few of our favorite profs from pop culture could have this same effect (if they were crazy and hell bent on reigns of terror). And, as horrifying as that might sound, don’t you wanna know what that would look like?
Indiana Jones
The Cult of Jones is determined to steal back stolen relics…by ANY means necessary. You can recognize a Jonesian by their matching whips and propensities to yell, “IT BELONGS IN A MUSEUM!” in pretty much any scenario.
Ross Geller
The paleontologist from Friends commands his dino loving disciples to build a time machine by ANY means necessary (noticing a pattern here?). They maintain secrecy by remaining anonymous, and recognizing each other only through the properly completion of this list: “Your job’s a joke, you’re broke, your….”
Minerva McGonagall
As one of the most respected and beloved professors at Hogwarts, McGonagall’s commandeering of the villain role in the Potterverse is a doozie. Even more cunning than Voldemort, McGonagall encourages her followers The McGonigoons to slay all those who espouse tardiness as a lifestyle.
John Keating
This one’s fairly obvious. Keating already inspired club with the name “Dead” in it. Plus, if you chant “Oh Captain, my Captain” over and over enough, it starts to sound like a singsong hymn of doom. So, if you want to survive, avoid large groups of people standing on desks.
Felicia Koons
Professor Koons and her league of LBD-wearing, ninja-trained PhD candidates will stop at nothing (there it is again) to take down the world’s misogynistic novelists. While it’s a specific reign of terror, it’s a rain of terror nonetheless, rendered even scarier by Koons and her disciple’s well-spoken and literary-quotin’ ways. Perhaps she could even give Joe Carroll a run for his money.
