5 Clues that You Might Be a 55 Year-Old Divorcee

I have come to terms with the fact that I am, at heart, a 55 year-old divorcee with adult children too busy to visit me. And I don’t know if you know this, but it’s a huge week for middle-aged ladies. Between closing arguments for the Jodi Arias trial starting tomorrow, Amanda Knox’s new book, and back-to-back all new episodes of SVU and Nashville on tonight, I’m just white knuckling it until it’s a socially acceptable time for me to start funneling Ramona Pinot Grigio into my gullet.

Connie Britton

How do I know that my spirit is that of a woman with a declining estrogen count and a medicine cabinet full of Prolia? Well, there are some clues:

1. My lifelong crush on Tom Selleck is now taking a back seat to my new flame: the medical examiner for the Jodi Arias trial.

med examiner

2. I have come dangerously, dangerously close to calling into Nancy Grace’s show–but in my defense, I have some really good observations that I don’t think anyone else has thought about!

3. I also know the first and middle names of both Nancy Grace’s twin children.

4. As much as I miss Stabler, I think Olivia Benson and Amanda Rollins are the Cagney and Lacey of our time.

cagney lacey

5. Whenever she’s at a juice bar, Mama loves to add a fiber boost! She’s also no stranger to the Metamucil Apple Crisp Fiber Wafers! (I’m Mama!)

Speaking of menopausal women, I’d just like to say that Gwyneth Paltrow should be ashamed of herself for allowing her mother to hock Osteoporosis pills on national television. Apparently, those Will & Grace residual checks aren’t enough to pay the rent; but you’d think Gwyn could anonymously sell one of her Master Cleanse stained t-shirts on eBay and give her mother the proceeds so she can live out her retirement with dignity.

How dare you turn your back on your mother, Gwyn? Ms. Danner is too classy for this.

paltrow

Look at her! That bitch is regal!

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Love this list? Check out more of Dara’s work at Brunch for Every Meal!


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About the author

My name’s Dara, and I’m a comedic actor and writer. I write about everything (dating, things I find annoying [which is a lot of things], food, reality Housewives from all walks of life), and I can tell you that if you really like brunch, you will probably enjoy half-reading my blog while you watch Ice Loves Coco (btw, that’s another thing I write about a lot). I know this because if you appreciate brunch and believe in its ideals of unapologetic fancy-shmancy-ness, the right to order pancakes even if you don’t get out of bed til noon, and judgement-free drinking of champagne before 3pm… then you might like the blog written by someone who also believes in those things. See Dara's blog at: http://brunchforeverymeal.com

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