I have come to terms with the fact that I am, at heart, a 55 year-old divorcee with adult children too busy to visit me. And I don’t know if you know this, but it’s a huge week for middle-aged ladies. Between closing arguments for the Jodi Arias trial starting tomorrow, Amanda Knox’s new book, and back-to-back all new episodes of SVU and Nashville on tonight, I’m just white knuckling it until it’s a socially acceptable time for me to start funneling Ramona Pinot Grigio into my gullet.
How do I know that my spirit is that of a woman with a declining estrogen count and a medicine cabinet full of Prolia? Well, there are some clues:
1. My lifelong crush on Tom Selleck is now taking a back seat to my new flame: the medical examiner for the Jodi Arias trial.
2. I have come dangerously, dangerously close to calling into Nancy Grace’s show–but in my defense, I have some really good observations that I don’t think anyone else has thought about!
3. I also know the first and middle names of both Nancy Grace’s twin children.
4. As much as I miss Stabler, I think Olivia Benson and Amanda Rollins are the Cagney and Lacey of our time.
5. Whenever she’s at a juice bar, Mama loves to add a fiber boost! She’s also no stranger to the Metamucil Apple Crisp Fiber Wafers! (I’m Mama!)
Speaking of menopausal women, I’d just like to say that Gwyneth Paltrow should be ashamed of herself for allowing her mother to hock Osteoporosis pills on national television. Apparently, those Will & Grace residual checks aren’t enough to pay the rent; but you’d think Gwyn could anonymously sell one of her Master Cleanse stained t-shirts on eBay and give her mother the proceeds so she can live out her retirement with dignity.
How dare you turn your back on your mother, Gwyn? Ms. Danner is too classy for this.
Look at her! That bitch is regal!