Just as the reverberation of a masturbating butterfly’s wings in New Zealand can result in a hurricane forming in the Atlantic, so too do celebrity sex tapes have a causal impact on society and the world-at-large. A celebrity boinking on camera one year can cause protests, regime changes, or even the extinction of an entire species the next year.These scientific findings link the top five celebrity sex tapes to their impacts on society.
One: Paris Hilton Killed the Pope
The Paris Hilton tape exists in the canon of celeb sex tapes as one of the most well-known, widely-viewed videos. The impact of the Paris Hilton video, however, is rather unsettling, especially if you are Catholic. Paris Hilton’s sex tape premiered in 2004, just months before the death of Pope John Paul II in ’05. The heiress was a naked pawn in the Templar conspiracy to remove John Paul II from power and end the “Is the pope Polish?” joke once and for all. The conspirators emailed the pope a message with the subject “Faces of Mary Found on Adorable Kittens,” which contained a link to 1 Night in Paris. The weakened, ailing pontiff inadvertently viewed the tape, which was just too much for his papal sensitivities to handle.
Two: Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee Inadvertently Founded Google
This 1998 tape is one of the earliest examples of celebrity sex videos. When the news spread of the buxom Baywatch girl’s boffing flick, the horny masses naturally wanted to search for the tape online. However, in the dark ages before Google, ferreting out nudie videos on the Net was an onerous and time-consuming task. This inspired savvy Stanford students Larry Page and Sergey Brin to establish Google, which is still the most efficient way to seek out all manner of info (and porno) on the World Wide Web.
Three: Dustin Diamond Made Dolphins Go Extinct
This one undoubtedly needs no explanation. In 2006, in order to boost his career, Screech from Saved by the Bell released his lengthy 40-minute sex tape. On December 13, the Baiji or “Chinese River Dolphin” was officially listed as extinct. Q.E.D.
Four: Kim Kardashian Drove Gary Kasparov Insane
Vivid Entertainment released the Kim Kardashian-Ray J sex tape in February of 2007. On April 14, Russian authorities detained Gary Kasparov for engaging in a protest. What was a chess grandmaster doing at a march? Simple. Kasparov had viewed the Kardashian tape and observed that the participation in watersports (look it up if you’re not familiar with that brand of paraphilia), rather than playing the cerebral game of chess, garnered wealth and media attention. He’d had enough and briefly went batshit crazy on the streets of St. Petersburg — changing the face of competitive chess forever.
Five: Tila Tequila Inspired Julian Assange
Tila Tequila’s lesbian sex tape hit the Internet in February of 2010. In the following July, WikiLeaks released sensitive info concerning the US and Afghanistan. What happened? Julian Assange was surfing the Net, saw the Sapphic threesome, and became enraged that Tila Tequila was getting more global attention than he was. So, to one-up the elfin reality star, Assange uploaded all the controversial documents he could find. Perhaps if Julian Assange had made a sex tape of his own, WikiLeaks would be an entirely different kind of website today.
There you have it. If you’re aiming for fame and fortune, before taking an on-camera roll in the hay, consider the future of civilization. Consider national security. Consider the dolphins.