Wednesday, August 01, 2012
Created by
Kristen Bobst
5 Cases of Corporate Discrimination against Fantasy Characters
Sometimes life isn't fair to fantasy characters either!
Created by
Kristen Bobst 
Some fantasy characters yearn to break out of the mythological mold and just make an honest living. Here are a few historical instances wherein corporate America attempted to quell the mundane dreams of these most magical entities!
Starbucks - Cthulhu
Recently, in a fit of something that can only be likened to intergalactic angst, Cthulhu opted to give up his Elder God ways to pursue a more "normal life." However, given that he could no longer afford the steep, nonlinear rents in R'lyeh, he applied to work at a Starbucks coffee joint in Arizona. Cthulhu planned to make ends meet with funds from a day job, so he could hang out and drink beer with his shoggoth buddies during the night. However, Cthulhu was fired during his first shift. A few of his tentacles clogged the cappuccino machine mid-latte which led to comical disaster. Customers watched as Cthulhu struggled to pull himself free of the piping hot device while attempting not to spill a grande macchiato on his boss. A patron recorded the entire fiasco on his smartphone, uploaded it to YouTube where the video received over ten million hits, until Cthulhu smote the YouTuber and erased the memory from everyone on Earth. The incident's aftermath involved confused Starbucks execs refusing to install tentacle guards in their coffeemakers, while simultaneously wondering why such a directive had ever crossed their desks. To this day, Cthulhu only drinks Red Bull.
Subway - Falkor
Suffering ennui from the continual melodrama of Fantasian politics, Falkor decided to make his way to Earth to live out the rest of his life in a humdrum fashion. Falkor worked at Subway for nearly a month before he was fired after too many sandwich aficionados complained of tufts of fluffy white fur contaminating their toasted cold cut combos. Attorneys for Falkor filed a suit citing Subways's negligence in providing Luckdragon-sized hairnets.
American Apparel - Shrek & Fiona
Financially supporting triplet ogre offspring is quite the obstacle to any young fantasy couple. Shrek and Fiona found this out quickly. They reworked their budget and discovered that taking shifts at the nearby American Apparel in Duloc would increase the swamp's annual fiscal intake, allowing for the Shreks to amply grow their children's college funds. However, the duo were quickly turned away by a hip shopgirl in neon tights who referred to company policy requiring all store personnel to wear American Apparel brand clothes at all times. It's a well-known fact that zero percent of ogres can pull off leggings.
A Vegas Oxygen Bar - Bane
A little tired from all that nonsense with Batman, Cat Woman, and Gotham, Bane traveled to Vegas for some much needed "me-time." He adored the place so much he set up his new home just spitting distance from the Strip. Having traded in the evil life for holistic well-being, Bane sought work at a rejuvenating oxygen bar. However, his application was denied due to his unsightly face mask, which oxygen bar owners argued would "send the wrong impression to potential clientele."
The Doritos Factory - Puff the Magic Dragon
The popular tortilla chip vendor ended Puff's employment on the basis that he continually broke the company guideline of not coming to work high as a kite all the time.
Starbucks - Cthulhu
Recently, in a fit of something that can only be likened to intergalactic angst, Cthulhu opted to give up his Elder God ways to pursue a more "normal life." However, given that he could no longer afford the steep, nonlinear rents in R'lyeh, he applied to work at a Starbucks coffee joint in Arizona. Cthulhu planned to make ends meet with funds from a day job, so he could hang out and drink beer with his shoggoth buddies during the night. However, Cthulhu was fired during his first shift. A few of his tentacles clogged the cappuccino machine mid-latte which led to comical disaster. Customers watched as Cthulhu struggled to pull himself free of the piping hot device while attempting not to spill a grande macchiato on his boss. A patron recorded the entire fiasco on his smartphone, uploaded it to YouTube where the video received over ten million hits, until Cthulhu smote the YouTuber and erased the memory from everyone on Earth. The incident's aftermath involved confused Starbucks execs refusing to install tentacle guards in their coffeemakers, while simultaneously wondering why such a directive had ever crossed their desks. To this day, Cthulhu only drinks Red Bull.
Subway - Falkor
Suffering ennui from the continual melodrama of Fantasian politics, Falkor decided to make his way to Earth to live out the rest of his life in a humdrum fashion. Falkor worked at Subway for nearly a month before he was fired after too many sandwich aficionados complained of tufts of fluffy white fur contaminating their toasted cold cut combos. Attorneys for Falkor filed a suit citing Subways's negligence in providing Luckdragon-sized hairnets.
American Apparel - Shrek & Fiona
Financially supporting triplet ogre offspring is quite the obstacle to any young fantasy couple. Shrek and Fiona found this out quickly. They reworked their budget and discovered that taking shifts at the nearby American Apparel in Duloc would increase the swamp's annual fiscal intake, allowing for the Shreks to amply grow their children's college funds. However, the duo were quickly turned away by a hip shopgirl in neon tights who referred to company policy requiring all store personnel to wear American Apparel brand clothes at all times. It's a well-known fact that zero percent of ogres can pull off leggings.
A Vegas Oxygen Bar - Bane
A little tired from all that nonsense with Batman, Cat Woman, and Gotham, Bane traveled to Vegas for some much needed "me-time." He adored the place so much he set up his new home just spitting distance from the Strip. Having traded in the evil life for holistic well-being, Bane sought work at a rejuvenating oxygen bar. However, his application was denied due to his unsightly face mask, which oxygen bar owners argued would "send the wrong impression to potential clientele."
The Doritos Factory - Puff the Magic Dragon
The popular tortilla chip vendor ended Puff's employment on the basis that he continually broke the company guideline of not coming to work high as a kite all the time.
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2 comments
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Thursday, August 02, 2012
posted by
Traci
I really enjoyed this!
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Comment Link
Thursday, August 02, 2012
posted by
Leah
That's not Puff. That's Pete's Dragon.
Be relevant, be respectful, don't spam us, and remember, it's comedy!
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