4 Hobbit Hook-Ups That Should Have Been

With all this talk about The Hobbit being split into a trilogy, it’s a good time to start thinking about the world of Middle-Earth again, and ponder all the romances that should’ve been…

Eowyn Loves Aragorn

At the end of LOTR, when Aragorn is crowned and Arwen is revealed, a warrior comes out of nowhere and slices Arwen’s head off.  The warrior removes her helmet and it’s revealed to be Eowyn.  Eowyn turns to everyone and explains that there’s nothing hotter than a female warrior, and so it was hard for her to believe that the rough-and-tumble Aragorn would end up falling for the soft-skinned, and spritely, Arwen. So, Eowyn figured that Arwen must’ve been an orc disguised as Arwen, sent by Saruman to kill Aragorn. But when Frodo questions Eowyn’s logic, Eowyn points her sword at him and roars, “I killed the fucking Witch-king, and you’re really gonna question me right now?”  Frodo leaves the matter alone.  Finally, Eowyn picks up Aragorn and carries him to the nearest bedroom in Minas Tirith — where she then proceeds to dominate him, sexually.

Gandalf Loves Galadriel

Gandalf and Galadriel get married, but the marriage starts to crumble almost as soon as it begins.  For instance, when Gandalf is falling to his death at the end of the first movie, Galadriel just rolls her eyes and sends him this telepathic message: “Stop being such a drama queen.  You know you’re just gonna resurrect as Gandalf The White in a few days.”  Eventually, Gandalf and Galadriel get a divorce, after which Galadriel acquires Gandalf’s steed, Shadowfax, and half of his “pipe-weed” stash.

Merry Loves Pippin

When Merry and Pippin return to The Shire, they meet a female hobbit named Luisa.  Merry and Pippin convince Luisa to go with them on a road trip to a nearby Shire beach.  On the road trip, Merry and Pippin, on separate occasions, sleep with Luisa, until one day the three of them go to bed together.  When Luisa briefly leaves the room during the steamy exchange, Merry and Pippin find themselves kissing each other passionately.  After that night, Merry and Pippin’s friendship ends, and they never speak of it ever again — leaving everyone to wonder whether they were gay, bi, or just really horny that night.

Frodo Loves Sam

While traveling through Mordor, Frodo and Sam get separated. Abandoned, Sam wanders the cliffs and becomes awfully lonely. He uncovers a Mordor public rest stop known for clandestine gay hook-ups. Sam enters a public restroom, gets into a stall, and taps his big, hairy foot. But he’s surprised to see another big, hairy foot tap the floor in the stall next to him. Sam quickly leaves his stall and finds Frodo hiding in the other stall. In a flight of passion, Sam reveals that he’s always had a crush on Frodo. To Sam’s surprise, Frodo feels the same way. But before they can consummate their relationship, a local Mordor cop rushes in and arrests them both for indecent exposure.


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About the author

Ollin Morales is a fiction writer and professional blogger. His blog, Courage 2 Create, offers writing advice as well as strategies to deal with life's tough challenges. Courage 2 Create was named one of The Top Ten Blogs For Writers two years in a row (2011, 2012).

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