10 Alternate, Alternate Kirks

If you believe in the multiverse theory, you’ll agree that there are an infinite number of variations on our current universe coexisting somewhere in time and space. Or something. Hollywood, and more specifically, the creators of the new Star Trek movie franchise clearly subscribe to this notion. This explains why, in our particular universe, Chris Pine is now Kirk and William Shatner is now hawking hotel rooms.

What about in other universes in other alternate-Hollywoods? Who else is probably rehearsing lines for the new, new Star Trek movie RIGHT NOW? It could be anyone! It could be you!

Here are a few possibilities for some alternate, alternate Kirks.

Andrew Garfield

He proved that he was superior to the first “alternate” Spider-Man. Star Trek 2 could be the Amazing Spiderman to Star Trek’s Spider-Man. Just think about it. Also, step aside Zoe Saldana. Emma Stone’s the new Uhura. Wait, a red-haired Uhura? That’d never work.

Martin Freeman

We know that Benedict Cumberbatch will be playing a villain in the new Trek movie. So why can’t buddy Watson join in on the fun and command the Enterprise? Warp speed! Tally ho!

Jennifer Lawrence

She was badass in the Ozarks in Winter’s Bone. She’s badass in the arena in The Hunger Games. She’d be almost too badass at the helm of a spaceship. Let’s hear it for She-Kirk.

Peter Dinklage

He steals every scene on Game of Thrones. Imagine what a Peter Dinklage’s Kirk would do to the final frontier. The one sheet writes it self: Star Trek II: The IMPossible Journey.

Wil Wheaton

Holy mindf*ck, Wesley Crusher! Geeky it-boy Wil Wheaton could take the retconned helm as Kirk. Maybe Jim Parsons could play Spock! Has your brain exploded yet? Zaquary Quinto guest stars on Big Bang Theory as Penny’s new boyfriend.

Danny Pudi


He stole our hearts as Abed (and even Evil Abed). Imagine what would happen if Danny Pudi stopped pretending to be Abed pretending to be Inspector Spacetime and channeled Kirk instead. It’s an alternate universe after all. Or is it an alternate timeline? Or both?

Chris Colfer

In a musical version of the new Star Trek movie, Kurt is Kirk. In a Buffy/Glee/Star Trek crossover, James Masters plays everyone’s favorite Vulcan as Spike becomes Spock. Behold, Star Trek: Once More With Feeling.

Matt Smith

Matt Smith already knows his way around a sci-fi set. He’d be a natural Kirk once he trades in his sonic screwdriver for a phaser. Think of all the geeky energy on opening night when Whovies and Trekkies unite over popcorn and squees.

“Weird Al” Yankovic

This could be the moment when “Weird Al” transitions his career from parody song performing to serious acting. He could even score the soundtrack!

Uggie the Dog

Somewhere, in a universe populated solely by Jack Russell terriers, Uggie has come out of retirement and donned a Star Fleet insignia on his collar…To boldly go where no dog has gone before.


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About the author

Kristen Bobst is a grade-A comedy writer, an unstoppable sock puppeteer, and the world's foremost whimsy aficionado. She certainly believes the meaning of life really is 42; and right now Kristen is really into The Carrie Diaries. Comediva. Where the funny girls are.

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